But you. Still, you do. Even when I broke your heart, you do.
What did I do? I know I did the right thing. You are my friend. I will get to keep that. If we keep this relationship going Ill lose you. Ill lose you like I lost my mother and like Tina lost Bette and like we lost Tina. I cant I cant take that pain from you. You got upset when Michelle started going on tour with me. She is my trainer. She makes sure my physical pains dont stop me from succeeding. Thats all. But you didnt believe it. I guess you were right in one way. But not completely. She was never you. No one could be you, Al. She could never replace you. No one could. She's safety. She wants me and doesnt even know who I am. She just wants Dana Fairbanks, Wimbledon Champion. Not Dana, person. She cant hurt me. She cant take anything away cause she has nothing of me. You have all of me, You can take it all away in one moment.
I cannot survive that. I cannot survive you hurting me. You say you wont. Youve been wonderful. Youve always been there. But I know. I know reality. Reality isnt that kind. It doesnt let people be happy. Someday Ill be on tour. Ill be gone for a few months. Youll go out with the girls. Shane will take care of you. Youll drink. Maybe too much. Maybe Gabby will be there, maybe someone you dont even know yet. But someone wholl be there when Im not and that will be enough. And youll hurt me. Youll deserve to. I never deserved you. I was never good enough. Im goofy and awkward and me. You deserve so much better Al. But I cant wait until you hurt me. I cant survive you hurting me. Michelle can. It wont mean anything. But you. Shit. Its my life. I cant wait until the day you realize you deserved better all along. I cant do it. I cant risk you. I want you. I wanted you the day I met you, but even then I knew better. Why did I let myself believe for so long that you could love me? I cant risk our friendship. I cant live without your love. My friend will always love me. Im sorry. Forgive me. Understand me.
