It isn’t often that one feels violated from a choice she makes herself, but kissing Eric was one activity that made Tina Kennard feel this way. His big hands were buried in her hair in a way that would feel tender and sexy to many girls, but she felt their presence like weights. When he nipped her lower lip, she had to force herself to bite back a cry of pain. Throughout the kisses, she followed Eric’s lead like she’d done a billion times before, but that didn’t make each time any less uncomfortable.
It was a dark Friday evening and the couple was in Eric’s mini-van, which he had lead her to God-knows-where. Tina wasn’t sure why she went along with his pleas, until he broke the kiss, looked her straight in the eye and spoke.
“You’re so beautiful,” He breathed. She found herself blushing profusely at his words. He had a way of making her feel so wanted, like she was actually as gorgeous as his words implied. “How did I get so lucky?” He continued softly, refusing to break eye-contact, his face lit up by a genuine grin.
Tina bit her lip, a drop of guilt slowly spreading through her. She hated that he liked her so much more than she liked him. She didn’t understand how this was possible, though – He was the perfect guy. Eric was beyond handsome, he always called her back, he was polite and kind and he treated her like a princess. He was the kind of guy that a little girl dreams of, that every mother wants for her daughter, and he was all hers. The guilt was getting overwhelming now, but there was nothing Tina could do except follow his lead. She continued to hold his gaze, gripping deep inside herself for something that may build her sexual desire right now. She wanted to feel what she knew he felt. But everything, it was only emotional.
“I don’t know, Eric,” She responded finally. “Let’s just kiss.” She thrust her lips back into his. Although kissing him was not comfortable, talking was worse. Talking made her think and thinking brought on the guilty feeling that constantly ebbed at her and haunted her like a lingering shadow. This feeling had gradually turned into a scar, one that would be forever etched on her soul. Yet still, she kissed him, the only ounce of passion she displayed brought on by the powerful guilt. Even though they’d been dating for almost a year, Tina still had to constantly remind herself of the appropriate way to respond to his kisses. If she didn’t remember to shut her eyes, they’d probably be open.
Tina had ended the night with a peck on his cheek and a brief linger over his lips, before biding her boyfriend goodbye at her door. When he had dropped her off, she could feel that he didn’t want to part, that he would have taken their kissing much further if she had let him. Yet he respected her, one of the things that prevented Tina from breaking up with him. It was past midnight and she felt a mixture of warm-companionship and uncomfortable violation as they parted at the door, a feeling she could never seem to get used to, but one that constantly ebbed at her after spending time with Eric. She brushed the uncomfortable part off as much as humanly possible, before undressing and slipping on her night-wear, then continuing her nightly routine as per usual.
She was about to go into bed which would inevitably mean mulling over her guilt that had been getting increasingly worse, when interrupted by a phone-call. Slightly irritated by the fact that she was getting a call after midnight, she glanced at the caller-id, prepared to not pick up. Alice. Alice was Tina’s best friend and although that girl loved to hear her own voice, she hardly called at this time of night. It must be something important and as heavy as her eyelids were, as much as sleep was threatening to take her captive, she brushed the feeling off to answer Alice.
“Alice.. you know I love you, but why are you calling right now?” Tina yawned helplessly.
“TK.. major emergency. This is important, very important. Listen, I’ve been trying to reach you for hours, but you’ve been doing god-knows-what with that man candy of yours. But anyway… you know how I came out to my family recently.”
Tina sighed. “Yes, of course I know Al.