The sentence came out broken, in bits and pieces due to the deep sobs that went through the blonde, and carefully the brunette sat closer…

Despite, and honestly mostly due to the affection she secretly felt for her best friend, usually Bette avoided physical contact altogether, and as she felt the warmth of Tina’s approximity, she sensed the timbre deep in her stomach, where her soul was hidden, change,as her heart sped up yet again.

Cursing at herself, as she always did when her feelings got the better of her, Bette clumsily hesitated in laying her arm around the blonde, as suddenly Tina turned and laid her head in the curve of Bette’s neck, searching for protection. A sharp inhalation of air resulted into a sigh the brunette could not suppress, and she shut her eyes firmly, trying to control the shiver of her body, as the soft skin of the love of her life met hers. Sensing the tears trickle in the cavity above her clavicle, instinct took over as Bette cupped Tina’s chin in her hand, and allowed her to gently look up…

Never had the urge to kiss her been so strong, but, as always, the brunette was stronger, and she carefully whipped away the tears that meandered down the blonde’s cheeks with the tip of her thumb. The bittersweet sensation that spread through her abdomen was all too familiar to the brunette, ever since she had realized what her feelings for the blonde meant and that they would never be answered. The truth of the love that pulsated through her heart and arteries, and flowed gently through her veins in the search for that throbbing organ again, held a purity that was beyond all other… God knew she had tried to fall in love, and, yes, she had dated, and bedded, several women, but she had never been able to find that purity, and no matter how hard she tried, it wouldn’t diminish when it came to her best friend. Feeling the wrenching of the tiny muscles, the rapid firing of those sensitive nerves in her fingertips, the soft swirling sensation of her stomach was something as much common as taking in air to Bette… Maybe even more common, because when the blonde was close, she frequently forgot to breath.

It took a while for the story to come out in whole, the humiliation of being the last to know, the pain of finding out in this way that she had been deceived, the shock about her own relieve, that she wouldn’t have to go on pretending anymore… Pretending to be so happy, pretending to love a man she felt she hardly even knew. She cried out tears of years that had been lost, of hope that had been shattered, of losing faith in believing in a sensation that could conquer everything. And she cried, because it was so easy to cry in Bette’s arms, the warmth and strength of her embrace, the comfort she found in listening to the rapid rhythm of her heartbeat, the protection that lay in the combination of her scent and the softness of her long strokes over her back… And as Bette finally, after 5AM, had put her into her own bed, and stood to go sleep on the couch, Tina had had the sudden urge to ask her to stay, to lay in one bed as they had done as a child, for the brunette to continue holding her… But something held her back from asking… It was a strange swirling sensation in her stomach, that Bette Porter could have told her everything about, had Tina just asked her. It was a trembling of her heart as she felt the stroke on her cheek, saw the care in those dark deep eyes, that to so many people remained inaccessible. It was a quiver that estranged her, and she laid there for a while, staring at the darkness of this new surrounding area… Strange enough, in this apartment, she had never been in Bette’s bedroom, and now that she was here she almost felt as if she was intruding. The warmth of the quilt that the brunette had tenderly wrapped around her, the scent of the pillow on which she usually laid her head, all of that had once been so familiair, when they were little neighbour girls, who had formed a natural friendship due to their amazingly compatible characters. What one lacked, the other provided, where one tripped, the other would stand strong to prevent her from falling… They had spend many many nights in one anothers beds, talking and playing, and – Tina remembered it well- on one occasion the brunette had wept in her arms during a thunderstorm… Why and when had all that changed? Was it just a part of growing up? And why that sudden strong conviction that, if it was, she didn’t want to grow up and wanted to stay a child, just for Bette?

Tina felt her forehead wrinkle with the questions that fell upon her, and as she slowly drifted into a dream of deep dark deer-like eyes and strong arms, she had no idea that, not too far away, Bette, who had already asked and answered many of these questions for herself in her adolescence, had laid her forearm over her forehead in a futile attempt to stop the rapidness with which the thoughts tumbled in her head. The apartment, laying in the centre of the city, was a small one, even though she could afford more. She had been looking at bigger places, and every time she had walked into one of the multi-bedroom apartments the real-estate had picked out for her, she had felt overwhelmed with empti- and loneliness. So in the end she had settled for the smaller, two-bedroom place that she occupied now, her bedroom and a study were all she ever could need, and the hope of ever needing more had died in her heart when she found out loving anyone else than her best friend – her STRAIGHT best friend- was not destined for her. She glanced at the door behind which lay the love of her life, and felt her heart thumb her name, faster and faster:

‘Ti-na, Ti-na, Ti-na’

Again and again in a never-ending vicious circle of endless, and impossible, love.

She had tried to put a distance, all those years ago when she had seen she was in love with Tina, but her friend, and her true friendship, hadn’t let her fully… Something had changed though, because before, there had been no secrets, and if there were, they were shared… It had been hell for the brunette to go through the pain of hearing about Tina’s first date, kiss, her first sexual encounter… She had felt her heart wrench and throb in agony and longing as she had listened to the stories, and had both wanted, and not wanted to hear them.

She rolled to one side, faced the back of the couch, her forearm still protecting her eyes, and she sighed deeply. Tina was her best friend, and the greatest friend she could wish for… She had guessed about Bette’s sexuality and had casually joked once that she wondered what kind of girls the brunette liked, so she could hook her up. She had helped her take her first steps into coming out, had supported her when her father had reacted the way he had, and had held her the last time she had cried. The brunette sensed her own feelings towards the blonde on the other side of the door as betrayal… Betrayal to a friendship that had supposed to remain pure. And she felt guilty for her feelings, for her secrecy about them, for the intensity of them… For the sparks she continued to feel with every touch, no matter how hard she tried not to…

As the brunette woke up from a stumbling sound, and turned, it felt as if she had just closed her eyes. It took her a second to take in her unusual surroundings and recall the events of the night…

‘Oh damn!’

The outcry of pain made Bette sit up with a sudden movement, and before she could reconsider she had crossed the room and opened the bedroom-door to locate what it was that had dared to harm the owner of that voice as she caught a sight that made her breathing stop…

Exiting the shower that was linked to the brunette’s bedroom, Tina had wrapped the fluffy white towel around her and suddenly couldn’t help but wonder how the soft white fabric would make a perfect contrast to the slight darkness of Bette’s skin. A thought that had confused her so, that she hadn’t paid attention to her surroundings. A fact that had resulted in her foot scraping the side of the bed, as she passed it. The sharp pain spread rapidly and made the blonde dizzy, causing her to press her palms against the mattress as the towel slowly slid down.

She had grabbed the side of her foot, where a red spot showed the sign of the hit, rubbed it while tears jumped in her eyes, and didn’t notice the sudden opening of the door. Or the woman who froze at the sight of her…

Bette felt all the muscles in her body tense, but, as much as her mind told her she should avert her eyes, to do so was simply impossible. Her heart pounded vividly against her chest and she swallowed hard as her mouth went dry. She tried again, to move, to turn around, to exit without being noticed, but at that moment Tina sat down on the bed and made a movement with her head to get the wet blonde locks out of her eyes. Their gazes locked, both the hazel and the dark pained for their own reasons. Bette, afraid that Tina had been aware of the course her eyes had followed, felt shame and guilt wash over her. And it were those emotions that finally allowed her to avoid the hazel eyes of her dreams, leaving them confused.

‘Are you ok?’

The awkwardness of the moment caused the words to come out harsher than intended, and Bette glanced back in the blonde’s direction, hoping she would have concealed the bareness of the tempting milky white skin.

Tina grimaced, tears in her eyes… She too had felt the tension and the temperature raise, but her mind wouldn’t allow her to grasp the reason for it.

‘It hurts, I’m so stupid’

Biting her lower lip, Bette hesitated about approaching, and the step she had taken in the direction of the blonde she also took back again as she realized the supposed cover of bare skin hadn’t happened.

Tina’s eyes narrowed as she caught the darkness in her friend’s eyes, and the smile she attempted died on her lips. The insecurity that had haunted her all her life, the insecurity about her own likability, about the way people saw her… The insecurity she could only ever let go when she was with Bette, now hit her fully, as she saw the doubt in those dark eyes. Her heart jumped up strangely as she saw a sudden resoluteness in the other woman’s gestures, and made a loop in her chest as cool but soft fingers enveloped the sore spot.