"That's what she said," Tina ran her fingers over Bette's bare back. "If we ignore her she'll go away."
"She won't go away; this is Alice we're talking about."
The phone rang once more, coupled with a series of knocks at the front door, making it painfully obvious that Alice had no plans on relinquishing her efforts to interrupt Bette and Tina.
"I'll go," Bette announced hearing Alice screaming from their front porch to let her in. "If I'm not back in 5 minutes you better send someone to help her."
Tina moaned at the loss of closeness between her and Bette when she stood up and searched for the closest t-shirt to her.
"I swear she never learns," Bette mumbled in frustration as she pulled her t-shirt over her head.
Bette stormed out of the room and hurried toward the front door where Alice was leaning against it. When she opened it, Alice stumbled almost falling inside, but Bette was quick enough to catch her and prop her back up.
"It's about damn time," Alice rolled her eyes when greeted with an angry Bette.
"Weren't you told we were having a long weekend?" Bette arched her eyebrow in challenge to her friend.
"Surprise!" Donna Kennard jumped out from below the porch causing Bette to clutch her chest.
"Oh my God!"
"I didn't mean to scare you Darlin'," Donna walked up grabbing Bette into her arms. "We thought we'd surprise you with a visit!"
"Can you believe I kept it a secret?" Alice asked with a wide grin on her face.
"Actually no," Bette answered trying to comprehend the scene in front of her.
"Hey Bette!" Jackie grabbed Bette in a hug and patted her back. "Is my sister here too?"
"Um...." Bette was at a loss for words.
"Hope you don't mind," James walked up and hugged Bette, painfully aware of her nipples calling for attention.
"Donna brought gifts!" Alice announced eager to see Bette's face at her newly acquired sweatshirt.
"She did?"
"Maybe you should invite the family in Porter," Alice suggested knowing Bette well enough to know the surprise interrupted an intimate moment. "You seem on edge Bette."
"No," Bette's voice was an octave higher than normal. "I'm not on edge at all."
"I hope we didn't interrupt you since it took you so long to answer the damn door."
"God damnit Alice!" Tina came stomping down the hallway in nothing but a t-shirt. "You have the absolute worst fucking timing of anyone I know. It's like you have a sixth sense when Bette and I are about to..."
Tina turned the corner seeing a shocked Bette, her family, and an amused Alice smiling in her direction.
"Jesus!" Tina stepped back around the corner mortified at the current predicament she was in.
"Is this how they talk in LA these days?" Donna asked shocked at her daughter's language. "Where Tina comes from that language would get your mouth washed out with soap."
"Classic," Alice leaned against the wall laughing at the scene playing before her eyes.
"Soap?" Bette asked.
"Ladies never swear or tell tales," Donna explained as Tina struggled in the bedroom to pull her jeans over her hips and button them up.
"Mom!" Tina came running around the corner once more, but this time properly dressed. "I had no idea you were coming!"
"That was the point!" Donna squeezed Tina tightly, relishing in the feel of her daughter in her arms.
"I can't believe you're all here! How long are you staying?"
"We thought about a long weekend," Donna began to explain but was quickly interrupted by Bette.
"This is a nice surprise, a long weekend with all of you is exactly what we need."
"Well," Donna began once more. "Those tickets were very expensive so we extended it to a week long trip to save money on the tickets! You have us here for a week!"
The look of shock that crossed Bette and Tina's face was so amusing that Alice couldn't help but snap a Polaroid picture quickly to capture their mouths gaping open.
"Classic," Alice laughed quietly. "This can't get any better!"
07/29/2007 ,
23:10:18 PM From:
miamigrl Comments:
GUMBY! When I saw this post I felt like a kid in a movie theatre holding a big bucket of popcorn waiting for the curtains to open to my favorite movie! Let the drums roll please........
07/29/2007 ,
23:34:41 PM From:
honda90 Comments:
So is Natalie coming as well?? Thanks gumby for starting this I had just gone thru and read On Centre stage again and can't wait to see what you have in store for the Kennards. A whole week!!!!
07/29/2007 ,
23:42:17 PM From:
ZLFan Comments:
I haven't laughed that hard in such a very very long time. Thank you so much for this story! I can't wait to read more!
07/29/2007 ,
23:43:02 PM From:
lami Comments:
Absolutely fantastic post. You just made my day. Thanks.
07/29/2007 ,
23:58:45 PM From:
superdaddy Comments:
gotta love your version of Alice!!!! This is great, THANK YOU SO MUCH GUMBY FOR POSTING AND POSTING WITH SUCH HUMOR TOO!!!!! So looking forward to another update of both stories....*yeah yeah greedy s.o.b!!!!! what a riot at 12.58 am here, my landlord maybe wonderin what the f is up with that dyke????? BRING IT ON GUMBY!!!!
07/30/2007 ,
00:04:06 AM From:
Seahurst Comments:
Okay, don't get me wrong, this was funny to read, but in reality, Alice is the type of person I would NOT want as a friend. Sorry, she has absolutely no respect for others feelings, and is (at least in fan fic) one of the most self centered people. Alice should know by now that when it comes to Tina's family, she doesn't have to say a word, or do a thing. The Kennards need no help in embarassing B&T! Thanks!
07/30/2007 ,
00:10:15 AM From:
Audi Comments:
Damn. That was frustrating and embarassing for our girls. Hope they can get some alone time..a week is a looong time. Glad you are writing something light and fun. My cousin got married this weekend and because of it I'm in a super dorky happy mood. PPS.
07/30/2007 ,
00:20:01 AM From:
ecstasythrumusic Comments:
ROTFLMAS.I agree with sea I don't know if I'd want Alice as a friend either at least in fan fic.Can't wait to see how B and T handle intimacy with her family around and Alice.
07/30/2007 ,
00:21:39 AM From:
chelseagal Comments:
Geeze I am I am still laughing so frigging hard. Thanks for posting amd post real soon I sense that this one is going to be a rip roaring fantastic story.Bring it on .....
07/30/2007 ,
00:56:42 AM From:
azmama Comments:
The Kennards are like the Clampetts. This is a hoot. Alice went over the line. She 's lucky if B & T don't clobber her. Are the Kennards staying in a hotel or w/Bette and Tina? Tina's outburst was really funny. It certainly shocked her Mom. :-) PPS.
07/30/2007 ,
00:57:32 AM From:
jb621 Comments:
HILARIOUS! You have such a wicked sense of humor, Gumby. Working the L on the LAX sign was priceless. I was just in LA about 3 weeks ago and wondered if anyone ever took a picture near that sign because the traffic in and out of that airport is horrific. I guess you answered that for me! LOL!
07/30/2007 ,
01:37:40 AM From:
yws Comments:
That was too funny, LMAO! PPS, can't wait!
07/30/2007 ,
02:08:03 AM From:
BetteAndTinaForever Comments:
LOL, worst timing ever...i would pay alice back a big time after kennards leave
07/30/2007 ,
04:00:23 AM From:
Jobadge Comments:
Oh Gumby... First off, I lovvvvvvvvve Bette's attire..., Secondly, I lovvvvvvvvvvve Bette's attire..., Thirdly, did I mention that I really loved how Bette was wearing just a black bra and levis that were just so welcoming... ah..., Oh and the story in itself..., definately one I will be looking for wach time I log on..., oh and deserving of a Loon Award I'm sure ;o) xx Good one mate!
07/30/2007 ,
04:17:43 AM From:
Galaxy Any Size Comments:
Polaroids? LOL! This is awesome G-Girl, I totally saw Alice in this. It is exactly something she would do! Keep up the excellent work, Own it, work it! I'm spent. Getting in the car now! PPS :) Luv Ya!
07/30/2007 ,
05:18:39 AM From:
cera Comments:
hahahahah! to have a friend like alice!..blessing or i curse?! hahahah
07/30/2007 ,
05:49:11 AM From:
jp22 Comments:
Oh man, this was just hilarious! Honestly though, Alice wants strangling. It's a nice surprise and everything, but Al has just wrecked Bette and Tina's alone time. She should be made to put up some of the guests, since she was so eager to get them there! Excellent Gumby, love the story already. More please!
07/30/2007 ,
05:49:27 AM From:
vam Comments:
Hilarious!
07/30/2007 ,
05:53:26 AM From:
bntfan Comments:
people are watching me with a "are you high?" look on their faces i was laughing so hard... keep going this is going to be good...
07/30/2007 ,
06:21:28 AM From:
nic1976 Comments:
LOL you had me laughing so much chickie...you know I love your writing so I don't really need to tell you that but I will anyways hehe I'm off to send you that email I owe you now :)
07/30/2007 ,
06:22:35 AM From:
Rau Comments:
u could just kill alice at times; she takes such joy in disturbing them...ppps
07/30/2007 ,
06:48:43 AM From:
justloveB+T Comments:
Oh my god, pls pick me of the floor! Ive been working so hard not to scare my neighbours by screaming out loud with laughter that my face must look redder then the avarage tomato... LMFAO! This is so incredibly great, Gumbs! LMFAOLMFAO! That swaetshirt will be a nice surprise LOL
07/30/2007 ,
06:57:21 AM From:
Eddy Comments:
I have long time not so hart laughed. Thank you for the continuation of this story. I love it. PPS
07/30/2007 ,
09:03:24 AM From:
superdaddy Comments:
no other stories to read so far this morning so I had the pleasure of reading yours again Gumby, and it just occurred to me that Tina did not put on any underwear......man I hope that means some sexual discomfort to come in the next post!!! This story as all of your others are priceless!!!! Hope this one does not end after the Kennards go back home and in "Believing in love" I sure hope that you drop in on them from time to time. NPP!!!!
07/30/2007 ,
09:07:31 AM From:
prasnil Comments:
LOL!! Oh god! LOL! That was a perfect start. Thanks Gumby! Gosh Alice really did cross the line. She better not be around B&T after the Kennards leave! PPS
07/30/2007 ,
09:26:12 AM From:
kbergin47 Comments:
Classic is right! Alice is soooo funny, but B&T are going to kill her. Great start. Can't wait for more. PPS!
07/30/2007 ,
10:17:36 AM From:
Skyblades Comments:
ROFLMAO... If I were B or T I would have killed Alice ASAP... Congrats Gumby PPS ;)
07/30/2007 ,
10:53:34 AM From:
Lamentamini Comments:
I'm totally with Seahurst on this one. Alice in FF land mostly sucks as a friend. I seriously would've kicked her ass if I was Bette. I felt awful for Bette and Tina and this is just a fictional story! I guess it mostly stems from being the resident of a hick state and worrying that my relatives will say or do stupid things while in a more refined setting. I'm also with azmama in that the Kennards are like the Clampetts.
07/30/2007 ,
13:12:22 PM From:
Dainty Comments:
Alice is such DEAD MEAT NOW. This is hilarious. Oh I love it. PPS
07/30/2007 ,
15:17:57 PM From:
one2faye Comments:
Love it Gumby - 'Sun Your Buns in LA' absolutely hilarious!!
07/30/2007 ,
15:19:54 PM From:
NYGayLady Comments:
... I have to say, I wouldn't care to be Bette and Tina... no matter how infrequently I saw my family! LOL
07/30/2007 ,
19:39:30 PM From:
akalittlered Comments:
WOW!!! Gumby that was so great. I can not wait for more. I so loved this. Thanks PPS
07/30/2007 ,
19:51:09 PM From:
coop Comments:
I'm cracking up. Poor Bette and Tina, so much for a long secluded weekend. Alice she's dead that's all their is to it.
07/30/2007 ,
21:06:16 PM From:
samari Comments:
am i the only one who didn't think it was funny. it really makes me wonder if alice really even likes bette and tina. that just wasn't cool...at all.
07/31/2007 ,
05:15:40 AM From:
Bailey Comments:
Poor, frustrated, Bette and Tina. I'm loving you so much right now Gumby--sheer genius. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
07/31/2007 ,
11:42:50 AM From:
tylo Comments:
cant wait for more al makes u want to shoot her
07/31/2007 ,
20:50:42 PM From:
pattifloatn Comments:
Alice is so cruel, making fun of Bette and Tina when all they want is some adult alone time. Tina's family is down right funny. I hope the Bette and Tina survive the week.
08/01/2007 ,
05:23:03 AM From:
gigi1976 Comments:
Coitus interuptus! Major bummer! What a great start Gumby and I can't wait to see what they are going to get into! And I, for one, love Alice!
08/05/2007 ,
09:30:56 AM From:
bettefortina Comments:
This is sooooo FUNNY!!! Alice better run and run quick before Bette and Tina have a chance to strangle her. I love story already. PPS!
10/11/2007 ,
01:14:01 AM From:
ut Comments:
Yeah this is so fucking funny and gonna love Alice lol!
