“Well, couldn’t we also say ‘if the father had the boat inspected, the radio would be working, and therefore he could have called for help much sooner than when a bystander did, and as a result, help could have come much quicker? I mean again, it would have been a much less amount of time for him to work so hard staying afloat.”

“And he also didn’t have the tubes to sit on and just float around on.”

“That’s right. What I’m trying to point out to you Angie, is that there are things that we sometimes blame ourselves for, but we really shouldn’t. We shouldn’t because there are adults that make certain decisions, and that is just the way it is. This boy could have certainly kept blaming himself, and we might never know if his father would have had a heart attack that day anyway. We can kind of assume that because he worked so hard trying to stay afloat, that it he overworked his heart and that happened. But we truly don’t know for sure that he couldn’t have had that very same heart attack sitting in a chair at home right?”

Angie had tilted her head to the side to think about everything that Cindy had said. “I know, so the son shouldn’t feel so bad then.”

“Right. The same goes for you and Momma T. Both of your parents decided to make a family, and have a baby. Although it is rare Angie, there can be complications with child birth. Not every woman has to have a baby. It is a choice. Momma T made a choice and decided that she would take the risk, no different than the choices and the risk that other adult father had made. Heck you weren’t even born to have a say at all in it. How can you possibly force yourself to take the blame for something you weren’t even around to give your opinion on?”

Angelica was silent for a moment. “I…..I guess I can’t.”

“No Angelica, you cannot. Your Mother made a choice to have a baby, and she knew the medical risks involved. You also don’t know if your Mother had a health issue that maybe put her at an even higher risk at having a baby. No different than this man maybe having heart disease that ran in his family, which meant he would have been more apt to have a heart attack than someone else.”

Angie was getting it, and I could see it in her eyes. She slowly was taking it all in like a sponge absorbing all the residual water.

“Also Angie, one doesn’t know for sure whether your Mom’s death was even really linked to having the baby. It might seem that way, a coincidence that it happened so close together, but I just could have been her time honey.”

Angie turned her head and looked at me. “It isn’t my fault Mom….is it?”

I couldn’t help but let my emotions out. It wasn’t even so much of a question as it was a statement. I leaned in and hugged her. “No baby, it’s not your fault at all. It never was your fault, and it never would be.”

After we shared an emotional moment, Angie had shared something further with Cindy and I. “When I found the papers that were hidden, I felt like it was my fault. If it wasn’t some secret, some bad thing, then why was it hidden?”

“Because your Mom was trying to protect that fragile and innocent heart of your’s Angie.”

Angie turned back towards me. “I’m sorry Mom,” she admitted through tears.

I soon found myself joining in. “For what? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Yes…..I……..I did. I was angry with you and was mean to you when I found out you lied.”

“Awwww honey that is a normal reaction. Being angry that someone didn’t tell you the truth is a very real and normal thing. The important thing is that you didn’t hold that grudge, and you and I worked through it right?”

Angie nodded in an affirmative manner against my body.

“I just want you to be happy Mom,” Angie muttered into my shirt.

“I am happy baby.”

“starting maybe?”

My daughter was the best of both Tina and I. She was beautiful, she was brilliant, and she was highly perceptive.

“I am, yes. I am trying really hard now Angie.”

“I know you loved Momma T. But why didn’t you try to meet someone? Was it because of me?”

Cindy sat back, and now allowed Angie and I to share in our own open conversation.

“Never. It has never been about you Angie. It ….it’s been about…..well it’s just been really hard honey. I loved Momma T so very much. You were our future. We wanted to have a baby so much, and your anticipated arrival filled us up completely. It’s so hard to explain, except that I felt some….some bond with your mother that was broken by no decision of our own. She didn’t choose to leave me, and I didn’t choose to leave her. When you have a love between two people Angie, who don’t ‘choose’ to leave one another, then moving on when the choice to part was outside of your control is very hard to do. I tried. God I tried so many times in my mind to even just picture myself with someone else. I just couldn’t.”

I was careful to remain guarded. I selected my words carefully, for I did not want to cause anymore wounds, or say something that could create any other self blame for her.

Angie’s innocence flowed freely. “can you picture Fran?”

I felt my body feel less tense as my daughter asked me this question, in a way which had her filled with hope. I wasn’t sure where Fran and I would be in the future. I wasn’t sure if this would end up being a long term engagement, and I worried that Angie would fall in love with her, and then lose yet another important person. I felt Cindy’s eyes upon me, waiting for my answer.