“Baby please …please don’t do this.” Tina begged. “Please just give me a chance to talk to you.”

“I did give you a chance, plenty of them. You lied to me. You don’t know what the hell you want. You meet me tonight with one intention, and then you flip flop in an instant. What do you want from me Tina? I can’t be like that. I need some type of stability. How can a person ask to meet you, with the intent of ending a relationship, and then within moments end up making love with you and telling you how much they want you and need you?”

“Bette, if you would just give me a chance to explain. I have so much to say and all I ask is for the opportunity to do that.”

Bette started down at the blonde that she loved with all her heart. She ached for the woman she had been with only a month earlier, before the bullshit of separate schools and self discovery came into the picture. She looked at her with the love that existed in her heart, and reflected on the love which they made together only moments earlier. Tina was definitely Bette’s weakness, and no matter how hard she tried, she always found her heart going back to her.

“I’ll meet you by the back patio.” Bette said before turning from the window.

Bette made her way through the dark and quiet house, which was illuminated only by the subtle light that the full moon was sharing on this calm evening. When she arrived out back, Tina was already sitting on the lower part of one of the chaise lounges. She was hesitant as she looked up at Bette who stood before her, her arms folded.

“I hope you realize that whatever you have to say is going to be hard for me to believe.” Bette said, her tone angry, her hurt present.

Tina placed her head in her hands. “I had spoken with Alice today…and Dana. We talked about how I feel like I am on this see-saw. …how unfair it is to you. When we spoke more about you and I, I just felt this wave of shame and guilt come over me Bette. I don’t want to string you along. I am so torn right now, that I feel myself standing in one place and not wanting to move in any direction at all. I can’t walk towards you completely, and yet I can’t walk away from you. I love you Bette. If it were easy for me to run away from what we have together, then I would have. I can’t.”

Bette’s nostrils had stopped moving from the nasal breathing she was doing. She looked at Tina and knew that she was struggling, a lot.

“Tina, don’t you think this therapist has made things worse for you? I mean, don’t you feel even more confused now than before?”

Tina took a deep breath in, wiping a stray tear from her face. “I think that in order for me to figure some things out, I have a lot of hard work to do. I have a road I have to travel, and figure stuff out. I don’t blame her at all. I held a lot inside of me for a very long time Bette. Things that happen to you when you are young just don’t fix themselves. My ignoring it, and my families ignoring it, didn’t mean it didn’t have an impact on me. It did, and it does. I ask that you not give up on me. That you walk with me, and be there. I need you there Bette.”

Bette sat down on the chaise lounge that was next to the one Tina was sitting on. They were now facing each other, their knees just about touching.

“I’m trying Tina. I’m trying so hard to put my fears aside. I can’t stand the thought of us not being together. It kills me when I think of it. There is that part of me that feels it is inevitable, that one day you are going to come up to me, or call me, or send me an email and tell me that you found yourself, and you are a straight woman or something. It scares the hell out of me.”

Tina reached forward and took hold of each of Bette’s hands. Her thumbs rubbed the back of them as she stared at the same hands that held her body, made love to her not long ago.

“I know you are trying babe. I know you are. Things really suck right now and I am beyond upset at my parents, and this entire situation. I think the only good thing that has come out of it, is that I am in therapy. I mean….yeah, it was something I avoided and didn’t want to do, but once I got there and every session since then I have been learning more and more about myself, what I want, what I need, and what’s best for me.”

Bette didn’t have the ability to be selfish with Tina. She could show her competitive edge and a bit of selfishness quite easily when it came to her academics, sports, and clubs she belonged to. With Tina, she found it quite easy to put her own “wants” aside, but each time Tina said something that had to do with herself and what was best for her, it created an ache deep inside of her. For every “me” or “I,” it was another shadow of doubt cast Bette’s way, about whether she and Tina would truly ever have anything more than a friendship.