When I looked up, her eyes met mine. “Lay your burden down baby.”

Her legs were toned, yet there was a softness about them that provided total console. Like a storm approaching with little warning, I felt the water dampen my lids once again.

“I’m sorry,” I professed. My brows curled in response to the tears that my inner self generated. I felt as if I had this boiling volcano inside me, deep within the depths of my body, and it was moving, and it was rushing, and it had no where to escape except through the sockets of my eyes. The tears were hot, they stung. I wondered, could they burn my very skin? Pain might be something I welcomed more than sentiment.

Fran played with my hair. “Shhhhh…….it’s okay. There isn’t a thing you need to apologize for. You are feeling…….and you are healing. Sometimes one doesn’t happen without the other. Go easy hun.”

I never thought I would meet another woman so placid, tender, soft…considerate and giving. With undeniable force, Fran pulled from me everything that I hid so discretely.

“I know….it’s just….there are times I feel that after ten years, I am no further than where I was when she first died. I wonder if I will ever be able to get out of that….that cylindrical force that keeps me isolated in one spot.”

“Bette….” Fran wiped the wet roadmap that my tears were creating on my face. “…you felt the pain of loss for ten years, but you never really dealt with it. You never took hold of it then, and you haven’t dealt with it over the past decade. Sure, you had felt the loss, the pain, the numbness, but you stood in that one spot. You never reached the final grieving stage of acceptance. I think now, you are finally facing this loss head on, moving through the stages along with Angie. Tina may have died years ago, but in fact, to Angie it is like she JUST lost her. She has a face with that name. She has seen a life in the woman that she never knew. For the last ten years, Tina was a picture on the mantle, an untold story. Angelica couldn’t truly grieve the loss of someone that wasn’t tangible to her. It’s hard to grieve for something that was lost before you were born. Tina’s life never existed in Angie’s world. Now however, after seeing the video’s, she is going to grieve for the loss of the woman she was not able to know in life. She has peaked into the privacy that you and Tina shared, and she now sees “life,” and smiles, and breaths, and laughs. She will begin to go through the stages, and I only hope baby, that you will be able to take her hand, and walk through the rest of those stages together.”

Fran made so much sense. She was right. I lost Tina years ago, but I never really moved through all those phases I needed to. I laid dormant for ten years. I didn’t travel back or forward, just latent. In order to move my daughter beyond her own pain and upset, I had no choice but to stand up, take her hand, and walk the rest of the way through this misery until we both….yes BOTH arrived at the stage of acceptance.

“How did you get so smart?”

Fran smiled down at me as I looked up at her.

“Um……I was thinking more along the lines of brilliant, but I’ll take smart.” Fran chuckled, her hand lightly caressing my face.
Her laughter made me smile. It was light, fresh, and free. She brought her fingers to my brow, and started to stroke my lightly. As minutes passed without us saying a word, I lay against her leg, feeling an urge to sleep presenting itself subtle at first, then stronger as time got the best of us.

“I……..rea…….shou…….slee..p.” It was the last moderately coherent thing I was able to mutter as I balanced on that edge.

“Shhh………go to sleep baby.”

*******************
NEXT MORNING

I felt a twinge in my neck. An all familiar ache from the days I slept on the sofa, refusing to go to a bed that was cold and alone. As I opened my eyes, I was confused as to why I was on the sofa, still wearing the clothes I had on the prior evening. Before my mind could awaken to the memory of the night before, I looked to the coffee table where a piece of parchment paper lay with my name on it. I reached over and took hold of the paper, and opened it.

Darling,
You were so very tired, and looked so heavenly in that state of peace that took over your face. I remained with you until midnight, at which time I reluctantly pulled myself from you and searched for your stationary to leave you this note. I hope you don’t mind my taking it upon myself to do so. I haven’t even left you, and I’m missing you so. I hope you were able to rouse at some point and get yourself to bed, where a more restful sleep would allow. I’ll talk to you later today. I love you…….Francesca.

The writing flowed…it was soft…..it was feminine and capturing. I stared at the words over and over again, tracing each stroke, each dot that emphasized the letter “i” until I heard Angie’s footsteps descending the stairs. I quickly placed the note under my leg as if I was a child hiding an unfavorable note from school.

“What’s for breakfast Mom?” Angie came around the sofa and gave me a once over.

“Um….what would you like?”

“Why are you wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday?”

I looked down at my clothing and felt like a child needing to explain myself. How was it my daughter always seemed to manage to shift roles?

“You didn’t go to bed last night did you?” She asked, folding her arms to boot.

“I…..I guess I must have dozed off here.”