I've been sort of going over some really big things about my childhood with her lately and I'm a little bit out of it emotionally -"
"Shit. Look, it's not a big deal; we don't have to talk about anything if it's going to upset you. I don't want you freaking out if you're making progress with that stuff, Alice. I know it's huge for you and I don't want to be any sort of obstacle to getting through it," Dana said sadly, feeling like shit. They usually didn't talk much about their therapy sessions out of respect for one another's' privacy, but Dana wished that Alice had trusted her enough to at least give her an inkling on what she'd recently been discussing. She felt horrible for making Alice worry about what she wanted to talk about when she was already dealing with a lot of things on her own.
Alice saw the dance of emotions on Dana's face and crossed the living room to envelop her in a hug. "It's okay; I want you to be able to tell me whatever you need to tell me. That's why I didn't tell you about it before. I know you're going through things too, and that I haven't really been there for you like I should be. I'm sorry, Dana. I really am. I really didn't mean to get clingy again. It's just weird. I came so close to losing you and I don't know how to make myself stop worrying so much."
Dana smiled and brushed Alice's hair from her face, wiping her tears away as she did. "I understand that, sweetie. Not exactly since I wasn't in that position, but I understand where you're coming from. It just gets to be too much for me sometimes, you know? I know you're just doing it to take care of me, but sometimes it just sort of spirals out of control. I don't want to end up resenting you for it when you're only trying to help, but sometimes...I don't know. It just makes me nuts that you can't leave it alone every now and then."
Alice sighed. "I'm fucked up, aren't I?" she asked in a barely audible whisper.
"Yeah, a little bit. But so am I. So's everybody if you look hard enough. It doesn't mean I don't love you. You know that, right? Do you know I love you?"
Alice nodded against Dana's shoulder, her next words muffled. "Yeah. I love you too, and I'm sorry."
"There's nothing for you to be sorry about. We'll work it out," Dana murmured, hugging Alice to her for a minute. "I better go, Shane's probably waiting for me. I'll see you after awhile, okay? And I'll go ahead and call Tina to let her know when I'll be back. Have a good interview, baby, and don't rush through things on my account. Angie and I will be just fine." She waited for Alice's nod and smile before leaving.
Alice drew a shaky breath to calm her nerves and silently thanked whatever being lived upstairs for Dana's understanding before doing the same.
**********
While Alice and Papi sat at the Planet and talked smack to each other about the basketball challenge Alice had made, Dana and Shane were sitting at a pizzeria not five blocks away. Jenny was there too, but she was far more focused on whatever she happened to looking at on her laptop to be paying them much attention.
"Jenny, get over it. So it was a bad review. What are you gonna do, go adopt a dying dog and take it to Merkin's girlfriend to weird her out or something? Seriously, just let it go," Shane told her after awhile. Jenny looked at her in shock, but waved the comment away and remained focused on her computer.
"So what am I supposed to do about Alice?" Dana asked when the pizza had finally gotten to them.
"Well, I don't really think talking about it's gonna do much good. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but sometimes it seems like you guys talk about your shit more than you actually work on it. She watched you die, Dane. Literally. And even though you're okay now, she hasn't come back from that yet, and I don't think you can really hold that against her. But you can't help what you're feeling either...I don't know. There isn't some easy answer to it, you both just have to agree to really work on it and move on," Shane said quietly as Dana stared at the pizza, lost in thought.
"She's going to her shrink today. I think I really upset her this morning. I didn't mean to, I just can't take it when she holds on as tight as she does. I know why she's doing it and there's no way I'd ever hold that against her, but it doesn't make it any easier. I just wish we both didn't feel so fucking lost about things all the time. It's like we're afraid to say anything in case we hurt each other or something. I kinda hate it. I was hoping things would be better this time around," she said softly, not meeting Shane's eyes. She hadn't really given much thought to how much this was weighing on her, but it really was, more than she'd thought. At the same time, the last thing she wanted to do was hurt Alice.
She was still lost in thought, staring at a random piece of discarded pepperoni, when Jenny's voice filtered its way through the cacophony in her head. "Maybe you're thinking about it too much. I think both of you know that if one of you hurts the other, there's no malice behind it. There's no law that says you have to know everything. It's fine if you're confused, but what you really need to do is figure out what you want for yourself. I know you love Alice, but you never really had a chance to find out what you really want on your own. Trust me, that's a big part of who you are, and if you don't have that you'll always be confused. It doesn't mean you don't love her."
Dana's head snapped up, and she stared at jenny in surprise. "I didn't think you were listening," she said softly. Jenny just smiled, shrugged, and went back to her computer. Shane shook her head and grinned.
"She's not obvious about it, that's why. She does have a point though, Dane. You never really got to be by yourself after you came out. Ever since then it's been one big life-altering thing after another. Alice too, even though she didn't mean to be."
"What are you talking about?" Dana asked.
"Well, that's why she didn't make a move or anything after you broke up with Lara. The first time, I mean. She wanted to; she told me. But she wanted you to have some time to yourself first. I think if Tonya hadn't come along she wouldn't have said anything for a long time, but that kinda moved things along a little faster than she would have liked. Anyway, it doesn't mean a whole lot now, but I kinda agree with my crazy ass roommate. You haven't had a chance to be on your own since the whole Subaru ad, and I think you probably needed to be."
"So what should I do, leave her? I don't want to do that, Shane.
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