‘ How am I supposed to live without you’ Part 2

1. Because of the way I feel when I wake up next to you in the morning

I stared at the words, and felt how the memories overflowed me... Of waking up in her arms, whether she was awake or still in slumber... Her warmth, her velvetly softness, her butterfly kisses... I tried to stop the overwhelming wave of bittersweet nostalgia that hit me... Tried to prevent the utter pain that was allready invading my shattered heart...

I could just kick myself as my fingertips created the ‘friendly’ answer she required... Saying it was sweet and that Jodi would be crazy not to sense that too. Typing that name, I wondered how it was possible that I had gotten into this game... She had solely sended me that line, allowing me to wonder my ‘what if’s’ again... Allowing me to think the message would be ment for me, untill the realization hit me... The game I had started with the pop-quiz I had given her before she had shut that door... Closing that passageway that could have led me to her...

Would she realize...?

No!

I had to stop thinking that... I had to stop doubting, and lay in the bed that I had made... I had chosen to let her go... I had chosen what I had thought to be the easiest route, straight into the arms of a man, not realizing my life was not a life without her...

I felt tears burn in my eyes, tears I, with all might, tried to push back...

When I was a little girl, I remember one dream that kept coming back...

Have you ever walked down a road, and realize you are amazingly lost? And then just, because you don’t know what else to do, continue walking and walking, too doubtfull, too scared, too stupid to turn around?

I remember that dream so vividly, maybe also because it had lately started to appear again, but especially because the feeling had been so strong... That feeling of utter desperation...

But...

As saw myself wandering...

Back and forth...

Left and right...

The view would expand...

And I would see ...

I was lost...

In front of my own house...

Maybe then allready, in that early time in life, my unconciousness had tried to tell me to see what was right in front of me?

The sound of my phone, making me jump up with a sudden shock, rose the pace of my heart, and without hesitation I pressed the button that would reveal her words to me...

2. Because of the way the a sunray can catch your hair or lighten your eyes, making you radiate, so I can always find my way back to you...

Bittersweet was yet again the best word to describe the feeling that washed over me as I read the words... Bette always had been oblivious to her own talent to say exactly the right things at the right time... When we had first started dating, it had ashtonished me how she seemed to subconciously feel, which word or gesture I needed... But then... Had I grown used to it or had it become less? I just didnt know... I had taken too much for granted, I had thrown so much away... She had sent me the most amazing messages, her attention solely ment for me, she had given me the most ravishing glances, tender squeezes in my hand, little gestures that ment more than she could ever know. More than I had ever told her... And now, someone else was the focus of her attention... Was it so human to only know what you have had, when you’ve lost it?

If only, these words had been ment for me, not to take for granted...

From what-if, to if-only, you’re evolving Tina Kennard...

I mumbled, trying to place the wall of protection around my heart, the wall that had been blocking my feelings away for so long... But why was it that, now that I wanted it, those bricks didn’t want to protect the pounding organ?

Frustrated, I sighed heavily, trying to concentrate on the bussiness at hand...

It’s beautifull Bette, I hope she realizes how lucky she is...