Notes from Underground – Viva La Jobette

Short Story 4, Part 2: a Tibetter’s re-write of Jobette’s scenes

University staff meeting (week later)

Bette had trouble sleeping the night before and during their monthly staff meeting she couldn’t concentrate on the agenda of distributing the scholarships or the budget for the next year. Everybody was arguing. Jodi’s hands were all over the place and even Tom had trouble interpreting, but Bette stayed quiet and detached from the world. Phyllis noticed that something was wrong with everybody and ordered a lunch break.

Phyllis: (with authority) “Okay, people. Seems to me that you all got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and some of you probably got up alone and unsatisfied, unlike me…so, it’s time for a lunch break. See you all back in two hours and you all better be rested and relaxed so we can finish this meeting in peace.”

Bette went straight to her office, wanting to be alone for a few hours to think and to get her emotions under control. Jodi saw her leaving and she followed.

Jodi: (walking into Bette’s office as if it was her own) “Do you want to go to lunch, babydoll or just have sex in your office?”

Bette: (muttering to herself) “Get lost.”

Jodi: (facing Bette so she can read her lips) “What? What did you say?”

Bette: “Nothing…so what do you want?”

Jodi: (slow and loud, like she is talking to a four-year-old) “Bette, I asked if you want to have a lunch or sex with me?”

Bette: (using her hands as a scale as if weighing her choices) “Lunch or sex…lunch at my favorite place with delicious dessert or unsatisfying sex with Jodi…I’m starving but not desperate…lunch it is.”

Jodi: (with disappointment) “Okay, Bette…if this is what you want we’ll go for lunch, though let me tell you…I thought about what you’d said concerning my sex skills and you were right. All my girlfriends before you and the ones I dated while I was with you, all of them complained about me being lukewarm in bed. So I kept practicing more and more with everyone who was willing and I think that now I’m a tiger in the sheets. Can I come to your house tonight so I can show you?” (she looked pleadingly into Bette’s eyes, all innocent and sincere.)

Bette: (with exaggerated sigh) “I’m sorry…I can’t. Angelica is with me this weekend so we won’t have any alone time and I can’t subject her again to any sleepovers with you…she already have nightmares about it. Can I take a raincheck? But let’s go to lunch now, I’m really starving and maybe we can have a quickie after we’ll get back.”

Jodi: (rubbing her hands together in excitement before answering) “I’m starving too, baby but not for the food. I’m gonna eat you…”

Bette: (interrupting with the look of disgust on her face) “La-la-la…I don’t want to hear it…not from you.” (Bette turned her face away so Jodi couldn’t read her lips and muttered) “Oh God, spare me.”

Meeting (after lunch)

Jodi decided to skip the meeting after Amy text-messaged about a spider in her bathroom and asked her ex-lover to come and kill it, and Bette felt much happier when she returned back from lunch.

The meeting resumed but Bette felt drowsy after having lunch at her favorite bakery and consuming a huge slice of tiramisu for dessert. Chocolate was always a good idea when everything else in her life sucked. Bette closed her eyes to go into her ‘contemplation’ mood. As soon as the pleasant dream about making love to Tina descended upon her, she felt her pocket vibrating and she jolted upright, awakened from her dream.

Bette grabbed her cell phone and found a text message from Phyllis, “Dean Porter, your post-lunch meditation is quickly turning into a late afternoon nap…and judging by the sounds you were making, the nap was turning into an afternoon delight. Sweet dreams? Don’t tell me you’re dreaming about Jodi or I’ll puke. Would you mind to wake up and join us for meeting?”

Bette glanced at Phyllis and smiled timidly.

Phyllis: (smiling back) “Nice for you to join us, Dean Porter. So what is your opinion about giving the academic scholarship to Grace Black?”

Bette: (rubbing her eyes and straightening up in her chair) “Based on artistic merit, she is one of our best students…talented, creative and as I recently heard, she’s the only one who rejected Ms. Lerner’s advances. She has my vote.”

Phyllis: “I agree with you completely. This is decided then…the meeting is over.”

Bette’s office (few minutes later)

Phyllis: (walks into Bette’s office without knocking) “So, I’ve heard that you and Miss So-Not-Fiery Artist are going to elope. Are you planning to live in New York and abandon your adorable daughter and your one true love?”

Bette: (frowning) “Phyllis…what are you talking about?”

Phyllis: “Tina…I’m talking about Tina, your true love. Oh, don’t give me that look, Bette…you know it doesn’t work on me. I’ve seen the way the two of you eyeing each other…I can feel your energy ten feet away. It’s amazing, if you ask me. I think Tina is your soulmate.”

Bette: “It’s not about Tina. What did you mean about eloping and living in New York?”

Phyllis: (surprised) “You didn’t know? Bette, why are you always the last person to find out anything?”

Bette: “I would be the second to last if Dana was still alive.”

Phyllis: “Who? Nevermind…Jodi was offered a job back at the Columbia University. She is going to build an outdoor sculpture with her former student, Brittany Lictor.”

Bette: (pensively) “Brittany Lictor, hmm…I don’t even know her. I bet it’s the same Brittany who made a life-sized sculpture of naked Jodi after the two of them enjoyed some extracurricular activities while Brittany was in grad school and Jodi was her mentor.”

Phyllis: (indifferent) “Oh…what a coincidence. How do you feel about it?”

Bette: “I think it’s perfect…what kind of sculpture?”

Phyllis: (shrugging her shoulders) “I haven’t the slightest idea, nor do I care…I can’t wait to get rid of her. Bette, did you know that she propositioned me?”

Bette: “What? No…”

Phyllis: “Yes…it was on that day when the two of you came to comfort me. Later she showed up with Tom and offered me a rebound sex.”

Bette: “You’re kidding me…”

Phyllis: “No, no kidding…I said no, of course, so she just smiled and said that it was fine because she has plenty of others to nail but if I ever needed an expert…”

Bette (laughing): “Jodi…an expert? What a joke…anyway, I had no idea she was leaving and I guess I don’t care either. I’ll help her pack.”

Phyllis: “That’s the spirit…well, I should be going. I have university to run, budget to work out, donors to kiss ass…what a wonderful life I have.”

Phyllis turned around ready to leave, then suddenly she stopped and looked back at Bette who was standing pensively by her desk. Phyllis took a book out of her purse and showed it to Bette. It was a copy of “Lez Girls.”

Phyllis: “Bette, look what my poor bastard of a husband gave to me as a divorce celebration present.”

Bette (nervously): “oh my fucking God…Phyllis, have you read it?”

Phyllis (smiling): “Some…I’m right in the middle of the scene when Bev…this is you…asks the plumber to fuck her in 17 different ways.”

Bette (frustrated): “Oh God…what is it with everyone and a number seventeen? What is so significant about number seventeen? Why not to use twenty?”

Phyllis (with interest): “Bette, do you know something I don’t? Do you know twenty ways to be fucked? Because if you do, you have to share them with me. I need to learn as much as I can how to be a lesbian.”

Bette: “First of all, I don’t know twenty ways to be fucked and even if did, I wouldn’t tell you, Phyllis. It would be inappropriate…you’re my boss, for crying out loud. Secondly, if Alice wasn’t lying, I heard that you were pretty good in bed. She called you ‘My vintage lover’ and ‘Sexy Lady’.’”

Phyllis (smiling wide): “She did?”

Bette: “Why are you looking so smugly all of a sudden?”

Phyllis: “I’m waiting for you to inquire about my newly found fabulous lesbian love life.”

Bette: “I thought after Alice broke up with you, you wanted to go back into the closet?”

Phyllis: “Watching you and Jodi kissing made me wanna stay deep in the closet. Being with Alice opened my eyes to all sorts of possibilities.”