‘How am I supposed to live without you’

So is it Bette?

I felt the familiair thrill of my heart as the two syllables were uttered... The two syllables that, once upon a time, were a synonyme to the only woman in my life... Shaking my head with a sharp motion, I corrected myself: the two syllables that would always be a synonyme to the only love of my life.

Is what Bette?

Uttering the name evoked even more intense emotions, and biting my lower lip I tried  desparatly to controll the amazing turmoil inside of me...

Kate Ardin casually walked in my direction , the air of confidence surrounding her like expensive perfume, as she brought her face close to mine, forcing our eyes to meet...

The person that you have feelings for, the reason you couldn’t come home with me the other night...

Was I so easy to read? Looking away, I sensed the swelling of my heart with longing and love... Love for the woman who’s name was still lingering in the air... Love for the woman I couldn’t live without, and whose loss would always haunt me...

We’re working together.

Giving the safest possible answer, I saw how Kate’s brown eyes narrowed as she walked passed me, shaking her head in an incredulous motion...

Suddenly facing the inevitable, I felt my heart sink as my lips betrayed me:

It was Bette...

My eyes shot open at my own admission... There is was, I had spoken the words... Out loud and to another person... I couldn’t take them back. I feel how a wave of panick washes over me, and I shut my eyes tightly in dire need for controll.. The panick subsides if I think about those chocolate-brown eyes... The panick subsides but the throbbing pain stays... Will that ever change?

Kate was right...

It had been Bette...

It would always be Bette...

It was...

My voice somewhat more steady, I turned around to meet those other brown eyes... Those eyes that had looked at me with longing and respect, with a chance of something more, but that now merely lit up with fascination

So why are you helping her get back together with Jodi?

So many answers swirled though my mind, as the sharp pain enveloped my heart...

Jodi...

The woman who had brought Bette back to life after I so succesfully had smashed her down... When I had heard about Nadia, I hadn’t cared, but the first moment she had uttered that name...

Jodi...

I had seen it...

That way she used to look when our eyes met, the way she used to sigh when I walked into a room... The description the girls had given me of what she looked like when she talked about me...

I’d had my chance... And blown it...

And now that look belonged to Jodi...

I dont know... Maybe I feel guilty that I want her back less than a year after breaking up... I fucked up... It was... Fucking bloody... It was bad...

I couldn’t explain to Kate how I had felt that utter need, that need to push her away as far from me as possible, to put her in a position where she couldn’t hurt me, my scarred heart in fear of breaking before it was even mend again...

But did I ever gave her the chance to fully mend it again?

Why did I only see now that she was the only one who could?

I had played a game of push-and-pull, of cat-and-mouse... I had craved what I was most afraid of, the intensity of my feelings for her... I had exchanged it all for the safety of being with someone I didn’t care about...

Thats what break-ups are, they’re fucking bloody...