We've got tonight… - Part 2

How can I just sit here..., I am meant to be packing a case, I am meant to be running after the woman who had run away from me..., but I can’t seem to motivate myself to put one thing in this empty case...

But the last few days have been hectic, my time with Alice and Shane..., stealing the sign for Jodi..., the grand gesture that was currently being shipped to New York..., what had possessed me to break into the grounds of the warehouse and steal that sign...

Because I was in love with her..., because I had been persuaded that it would be an amazing thing to do..., because I thought it was the right thing to do..., because she wanted me and Tina didn’t...?

So many questions and hard as I might try, I couldn’t quite get the answers to any of those questions...

I thought this was meant to be straight forward..., the woman you had fallen in love with had run..., I go after her, and we live happily ever after... or that is what they were all telling me its what I should do, but that hadn’t been my initial thoughts, the stubborn thoughts of Bette Porter was not to run after anyone..., but I had changed..., so much had changed...

I suddenly had the one woman I had shared my life with helping me, telling me what I should be doing, what I should be saying..., god she even typed out a text message on my behalf..., saying all the things that were true about me..., things that only she would know..., things that no one else would ever be able to say to me apart from her...

I know that if Alice told me I was a control freak that she would be taking her final breath as she said the words..., but when Tina and I talked by the pool..., how she told me those things..., although I tried to defend myself, albeit in pathetic way..., I listened to her...

And I listened to her when she told me how hard it was for her..., how hard it was to watch me interacting with someone new..., I understood that feeling and I knew how much it had cut through me when she had been with Helena..., I felt like someone was tearing me apart, slowly limb by limb..., slow enough to maximise the intensity of the pain..., it hurt so much that it was unbearable…

But she told me she wanted me to be happy, she was happy that I was happy, but I think her eyes let her down with that statement, had she forgotten how her eyes were the window to her soul…, that I could see…, deep inside her…

I stood and looked at the bed…, just an empty case…, nothing else, no piles of clothes to sort through, no underwear packed, no toothbrush packed…, no decisions made…

I walked to the bedroom window and look out to the garden, it usually helped me to contemplate those things going through my mind…, just looking through the window…, but my eye was caught by Tina…

She was just sitting there, seemingly just sitting by the pool, I saw her looking toward the sky…, I saw her bringing her hand to her head and the thing that Alice and Shane said came into my mind…, ‘Tina wants you back…’, I had dismissed their claims instantly, but I couldn’t help the fact that the words had been stuck in the forefront of my mind ever since…

I saw her get up, she seemed to have the weight of the world on her shoulders…, I thought that was meant to be me…, she was helping me…, wasn’t she…?

Why would she be looking so unhappy, she told me she was okay…, that she was happy that I was happy…, but her demeanour belied that fact…, was she happy…, did she want me to be happy…, did she want me back…?

There were so many thoughts going through my mind that it was difficult to comprehend where one ended and another began…

I had two women in my life and my mind raced, that fucking crossroads in my life, but it wasn’t a crossroads…, not really…

Jodi was new in my life and it was exciting, she was passionate about everything in her life…, we had so much in common, but were we too much alike in our personalities…, both strong…, both stubborn? 

It was intense…, but It could have worked with Jodi…, I didn’t want to think it was settling for second best, it was thinking I could actually be happy even though I didn’t have…, didn’t have my ‘one and only’, my ‘first, last and forever’, because those words didn’t just apply to Tina, they applied to me too, she was the first woman I had ever fallen in love with…, she was the one I wanted to be the last person I ever loved, because she was my…, forever…

My forever…, my feelings for her were intense and isn’t that she had said about our relationship…? 

We had intense and she had said that she didn’t want that anymore, she wanted simple and boring…, she got herself some simple and boring…, but her words echoed in my mind once again…, she had told me I was a control freak…, one that she would take over the simple and boring any day…

My thoughts were broken as I heard her footsteps in the lounge, but they stopped…, it was silent, she was silent…

For some reason my heart was pounding, I could hear it thumping in my ears…, my mouth went dry as I looked to the doorway of my bedroom…, was I waiting for her to appear…, telling me what I should do…, guiding me on the thoughts that had been running through my mind…, would she be scolding me for not having packed my case…

I suddenly hear music coming from the lounge…, I turn my head slightly so that I can hear what she is playing…

I know it's late, I know you're weary
I know your plans don't include me

I swallow the lump in my throat as I begin to walk toward the doorway…, I knew the song, and I knew its relevance…, I knew what it meant for her to have chosen this song…

I got closer and heard more…

Still here we are, both of us lonely
Longing for shelter from all that we see

I stood and watched her, watched the emotions cross her face as the words floated around us, that gravely voice never cease to amaze me how unique he made the words sound…, I remember sitting in her car once…, a long time ago…, his voice echoed around us then…, and she took my hand…, and she led me to her bedroom…

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I looked at her…, slowly stepping towards her…, I reached her and stood, silently beckoning her to turn…

She looked down at my hands, she reached forward for one, her fingers entwining with mine, my heart was pounding louder and harder than ever before, I knew she was going to lead me into the bedroom…, she wanted one more time together…

Why did clarity hit you with such suddenness sometimes, why did your head and heart have so many thoughts and feelings sometimes and a then a sudden rush would just hit you…

I knew…, my heart knew…, there wasn’t anyone else for me…

As she pulled on my arm, leading me in silence, I stopped her…, this wasn’t the song…, this song meant or implied that we would only have tonight and that is not what we had…, I wouldn’t ever want to know that this would be the last time…, I didn’t want there to be a last time…, for it to be the last time would mean forever had come to its end…, and that would never happen…, forever meant forever…

She turned to look at me as my footsteps halted, she had a quizzical look on her face as my hand parted from hers…, she stood and watched as I stepped back to the stereo and pressed the stop button.

I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye as the CD tray slid out and I removed the disc…

“What are you doing…?” she asked me in a whispered voice, I heard the crack in her voice, I heard and felt the emotion in the air…

“I’m changing it…”

“Why…”

“It’s not appropriate…” I looked at her, dumbfounded ness cross her features, I had to give an inner smile, I’m not sure she understood yet…, but she would…

“If Bob Seger was singing ‘We’ve Got Tonight’ right now, it would kind of imply that this would be a last time…”

“Isn’t that what it is…” she said in the quietest voice…

I merely shook my head at her, my eyes never left hers as I saw her swallow, the meaning sinking into her reverie…

I looked back at the CD rack, I scanned the titles for what I thought might be ‘more’ appropriate, but the list of songs going through my mind raced, there were so many…

I heard her chuckle beside me, I think could see the confusion on my face.

“What are you doing?”

“I can’t decide…” I laughed.

“What are the options?”

“Well, ‘Weakness In Me’ would signify I’m in turmoil...”

“And are you?”

“I thought I was...” I said to her as I looked into her eyes…

“What are the other options?” she said without breaking eye contact.

“Texas..., ‘So In Love With You…’, you know those words of ‘I’m so in love with you, Whether it is right or it’s wrong, I’m too weak to be strong, I’m so in love with you …’”

“I like the sound of that…”

“Of course, ‘Insatiable…’ that would fit…. But this one, I think…, is the one…”

She looked at the CD I had taken from the rack.

“Aerosmith…?” she laughed.

“Of course…, ‘Angel’…, it says it all…”

I turned to look at her as I pressed play, waiting for the words to filter through to the speakers, knowing that as soon as she heard…, she would fully understand…

I'm alone
Yeah, I don't know if I can face the night
I'm in tears and the cryin' that I do is for you
I want your love - Let's break the walls between us
Don't make it tough - I'll put away my pride
Enough's enough I've suffered and I've seen the light

“T…”

“Yeah?”

“Do you…,” I took a deep breath.., “do you still want me…?”

She smiled as she heard my question, here eyes searched mine, I hoped she could see inside…, like she used to…

“What…?  The Bette Porter that is a control freak..., that self centred...”