"You should have told me."

There are things better left unsaid, whether it is the time, the date, the place, the people involved. Sometimes it's just a matter of knowing when not to say things out loud.

This is a totally chickenshit way of leaving things, but you have to admit, it's also damn predictable.

I don't know what I was thinking, and why we ended up here. I don't know how things got to this point but I do know I'm sorry for everything that's happened.

Or am I getting ahead of myself?

Let me explain.

"We have a lot to talk about."

These are things I never told you. Never told anyone, actually. And what have you done to deserve this unprecedented burst of honesty? I don't know. Made me fall for you, I suppose.

Made. Like you had done anything outside of the ordinary. Maybe because you allowed me to fall for you? Whichever the case, I'll continue. Before you think I've gone insane.

Too late?

I was never the popular kid, the smartest kid, the prettiest, the fastest, most athletic, or whatever else. I was always just there. I don't get involved, I get by. For so long, all I did was get by. I never really forged a personality to show people because I never really thought I would have to rely on my personality to survive in the world.

I'm fine with who I am, as impossible as it is to define who that person is.

But I guess something's happened that made me question whether or not I really believe that. Because I'm not fine with who I am anymore.

Because I leave. Never really making my place in the world, I find it so easy to pack up and go.

It's not enough anymore. And for that I have to credit Dana, but I guess the desire to make something of myself in a certain situation sharply collided with the part of me that needs to leave.

Why am I telling you this, you're asking. Well, because you deserve more. You deserve someone who won't leave at the first sign of trouble and take away that decision from you. I want to be the person people trust and rely on, but I can't do that when I don't know where I stand.

Sometimes I don't even know who I am.

I told you that I think of Dana everyday, but because of that I have to wonder about myself. If I loved her so much, why did I leave. Why did I let her scare me off.

Why did I fall in love with you so soon after she died?

Because that's what happened. I fell. I allowed myself to walk the edge and I fell.

And I'm sorry. All you wanted from me was to be there for you, to be there with you, and I went and fucked it up and fell in love with you.

Funny, isn't it? How I fuck up when I love someone? Forcing Dana to come out when she wasn't ready. Gabby, and the spectacular way I tried to be what she wanted when I clearly was not.

I guess my biggest mistake in all this was coming between you and Dana. I know, you told me to stop thinking of it that way, but in a way I really believe I did. I pushed her. She said she wanted some time, and I couldn't give it to her. She loved you, Alice, and I was too caught up in my own life to acknowledge that she didn't break up with you to be with me, but she did it to figure things out for herself.

And it kills me to know I caused those major heartaches for you.

Because having known you, having loved you -- even though you didn't know it -- all I want for you is your happiness.

I told you I went to Chicago because San Francisco wasn't far enough. I never told you this, but San Francisco just isn't that far away. Friends here made sure of that.

San Francisco certainly wasn't far enough away for me not to witness what you were like with Tasha.

It was a sunny day, watching you from across the street, you were walking to The Planet and I was in a car with a friend heading downtown. I saw you with Tasha, everything people had described her to be. And you were happy. Something I never quite made you.

Like with everything else I realized the mistake I had made, and how ultimately I was once again too late. Too late to tell you, too late to make amends. Too late to undo the mistake I made.

But you were happy. And that made it alright.

It was the sight of you with her that made me realize I had to go, I had to leave. I had to put as much distance between you and me as I could. I disappeared from your life when all I wanted was to let you be a big part of mine.

Now you know. What I've thought, the mistakes I've made, the things I should have told you sooner.

And I know I've caused you pain, leaving without saying goodbye must make me at least near the top in your list of people you dislike. And I'm sorry. Trust me when I tell you I will always be sorry about all this.

You have to know, leaving was the only choice I had.

I left because I could not make you happy. I left because Dana was a prevalent fixture when we looked at each other and we were both not doing well.

I left because I stopped thinking of her when I looked at you, and because you still saw her when you looked at me. When you looked at me the pain was too obvious, too raw, too real, and I couldn't do that to you any longer.

So what's changed? Everything.

I've read somewhere that just because everything's different doesn't mean anything has changed. But things are different. And things have changed. And as a consequence I might possibly be losing my mind to be making the choice I have decided to make.

------ 

Lara glanced over her writing, wincing at the desperate language. As if these words, strung together trying to form coherent sentences, could ever really explain everything. But she had to try, right? She had to put it all on paper because sometimes saying things out loud made it lose its meaning.

"What are you doing here?"

Lara looked up, and glanced at the blonde, whose path to her apartment was blocked by Lara's form, who sat on the floor in front of the apartment door. "What the hell happened to you? You look like hell."

"Thanks, I was scrambling after someone who wasn't at the airport," Alice said shortly, collapsing on the floor beside Lara.