Reunions reunite: The way we were, chapter 2

It had been tears that had woken Tina Kennard that morning, cold tears of loneliness as she’d been torn away from the safety of her dream. She had tried so hard to push back the heartwrenching memory of those deep brown eyes, feeling the stinging pain of loss and guilt, but in the subconsciousness of her sleep, the emotions, those eyes had always evoked, floated to the surface. Absentmindedly, she had gotten out of bed and when she was slowly brushing her hair, she caught her own eyes in the mirror. She gasped, her face wincing in pain before she hastily looked away.

Her whole life had been such a lie...

The neverending stream of tears made their ways down her cheeks, tantalizingly slow, and a desparate feeling washed over the blonde, as she realized whiping them would never solve her problems.

Dropping the hairbrush, her hand lingered to her lower abdomen, the palm of it covering the part where her woomb was hidden... That empty, empty place that would never contain life...

The image, etched... ingraved into her memory, of Eric with that woman...

How could he?

And yet, had she ever been worth more?

Did she love him as a wife should love her husband?

Had she ever?

And didn’t the stinging pain that rushed through her have more to do with the heartache of her childlessness then with him?

Was it more the shame, the utter hurt that she was, -what a cliche- the last to know, the last to see? More that then the pain of his betrayal?

Hadn’t she always known what he was like?

She had worn the mask of perfect housewife for so many years now that when she tried to take it off she felt vulnurable and bare, the feeling hiting her harsly that, she had no idea how to be herself anymore.

And all that drifted to the surface when she tried to grasp a point in life where she had been herself, were those amazing dark eyes that had surrounded her with safety.

Were it her surroundings, back in her old room that brought her memories back to her highschooldays?

Were it the events, the shock –could you really call it a shock? She had always knows it would happen eventually- of finding him in bed with another woman, especially that one?

Reminding her of the brunette she had once been able to call her best friend?

Or was it just that... The memory of those eyes that had changed her life, of the person that had saved her life, the guilt, the sharp excruciating pain that she had not believed the one who had, proved now more then ever, always been right...

The neverending questions, twining together in the hot burning sensation in her chest she tried to swallow away...

She had started walking, not even glancing at the two worried faces at the kitchentable, her eyes focussed on a place beyond the horizon, a place she knew her feet would carry her to... There had, in her life, only been one place where she could free al the emotions she struggled with...

It was that place where she hoped, allthough she knew better, to find an answer to the questions, or maybe just the courage... The courage to look for the answers, and to look for the place –or should she be honest and say ‘the person’- she had, so many years ago, called her home.

A place to find your soul   Tina’s POV

I remember that day vividly, the waves, breaking forcefully on the sand as I walked passed the sea, ignoring the wind that annoyingly kept blowing my escaped locks in my eyes.

I didn’t pay attention to where I was going, knowing my feet would eventually lead me to the place they always lead me to in a time like this, a place to think and be angry and sad, without anyone to judge or blame me.

A place to clear my head and heart.

A place to find my soul.

Tears, I blamed on the strong wind, rolled over my cheeks, the hurted one still burning, but not as fiercly as it had when his hand had stroke it. I felt drained of all energy, but just kept on walking, as if placing one foot in front of the other would change everything. As if, if I didn’t keep walking, I’d be caught by all the things that were haunting me. Running away from my life, my miserable excuse for a life, I felt how every breath I drew burned in my chest  as anger and pain made my heart wrench I gasped as I stood still, bending over, panting, almost throwing up due to breathlessness... I looked around as my knees gave up on me, hitting the little piece of deserted sand... The place I had known those damn feet, that always betrayed me by walking back home, would lead me to... I froze there, my muscles tense, my stomach still protesting as the deep and desparate sob that had been stuck in  my lower abdomen seemed to cut itself loose, emerging, making my body shake intensly... Dizzyness overwhelmed me, and I could feel the friable substance meet my palms. My fingers grabbled in the sand, trying to regain... Control? Balance? But it didn't succeed as I felt my stomach wrench again and the scarce breakfast I had had, emerged it, leaving my mouth dry and sour, and me, squirming in the sand, finally giving into the tears, now that I knew I was alone... It took me a good few minutes to calm down, and I did only do so because I had felt the nausea rise again... I sat up straight, inhaling slowly, covering the remains of what once had been a cheese sandwich with the sand. I swallowed hard, crawling several feet back, somewhat further away from the shattering water, again trying to catch my breath, and after a few seconds I felt my panick subside... I still sat on my knees, the sound of seagulls merged with the sound of the shattering waves somehow calming me. I reached for my face, feeling a crust was allready preventing the blood to flow down my cheek... The cut his weddingring had caused... I started to cry again, silently this time, dissapointed in myself for cowardly running away from what my mother had been facing for so many years... What kind of a daughter was I?

I turned and sat, hugging my knees, not bothering about the sand that was stuck the the fabric of my jeans. Protecting myself as a hedgehog, rolling up as a little ball. My forehead rested on the top of my knees as I let the surrounding sounds overwhelm me, calm me, and after a moment, my breathing and the pounding of my heart had followed the rhythm of the shattering water.

I knew every echo, every grain of sand that was there. It was more like home than the house I lived in, for here I was... Safer... Safe from his hands and unexpected actions.

The images flashed up in my mind, and as much as I tried to push them away I couldn't... That afternoon, now almost half a year ago, when he had come into my room...

My chest cramped in a spastic motion of my heart and loungs...

His intention so obvious, as he sat at the side of the bed, stroking my hair. I could still feel the fear, the tension that got a hold of my body, as he turned me around. I pretended to be asleep, thinking that was the best way, but with my eyes shut, the surprise of what came was even harsher, and as his lips had covered mine, they has shot open. I can still hear his voice resound in my head:

 You can't fool me, younglady...

The sour smell and taste of whisky, as I unsuccesfully opened my mouth to utter words of protest, only granting him the acces he wanted...