Bette: “Pretty much…”

Voice: “What happens when you guys need some privacy and want to have sex?”

Bette: “Oh god…don’t even ask me that, it’s so embarrassing…we tried it one time with Tom in the bedroom but I was instantly taken back to a few years ago when I went to New York to talk to Helena about CAC grant and ended up begging Peggy to help me. Peggy had some Romanian lover who didn’t know one word in English and they had an interpreter with them while he was bringing Peggy to 24 glorious orgasms.”

Voice: “You’re kidding…”

Bette: “Nope…no kidding. Anyway, it didn’t work for us…Tom kept forgetting about his duty and wanted to join us for a three-some…yuk…I would never do this again after mine and Tina’s sperm-donor search disaster.”

Voice: “Yes, I remember…but at least you and Tina got reconnected then and in a very hot way…”

Bette: (sighing again) “Yes…I missed those times. So, what is there left to do? Jodi won’t leave me alone.”

Voice: “There’s only one more thing to do…you have to propose.”

Bette: “What?”

Voice: “Yes…U-haul, hers and hers bathroom towels, monogamy, kids…the whole enchilada.”

Bette: “What if she will say yes?”

Voice: “If this won’t make her running then nothing would…you stuck with her forever, Bette.”

Bette: (crying) “Why, oh why I got together with her in the first place?”

Voice: “I can give you a few reasons…you were desperate to move on with the first available woman who liked you, you were horny, you were lost, you didn’t think you have another chance with Tina, or you were plain stupid…take your pick.”

Bette: “You are cruel, you know.”

Voice: “I’m only speaking the truth because you won’t admit it.”

Bette: “Sorry…yes, I know. So, how do I propose? I’m not that romantic anymore, you know. The first four years with Tina were the best years of my life. We always did something romantic for each other but with time our life became mundane…we were more into practical gifts and slowly the romance died.”

Voice: “Bette, if you’re planning to be romantic with Jodi then there’s a big chance that she will accept your proposal. Is this what you want?”

Bette: “Oh, no…of course, not…I was thinking of Tina…but, I want to do something outrageous so Jodi would run away and never look back.”

Voice: “Just remember, Bette…for Jodi a week together with someone is a LTR…even if she will say yes to you, she might be gone in a week after her free spirit begins to feel claustrophobic…don’t give up hope.”

Bette: “I won’t, I promise. So, what should I do?”

Voice: “How about proclaiming your undying love for everyone to see?”

Bette: “Like what? Hire a limousine and drive to her studio singing an aria like Richard Gere in ‘Pretty Woman’?”

Voice: “Well, it was romantic, so no…it has to be something outrageous, like you said. How about renting a tractor and drag one of those billboards behind it? For example, there was one with a picture of a wedding ring and a saying, ‘Two months salary, my ass’ or ‘Planning a wedding? Call 1-800-RUNLIKEHELL’. And then you drop on your knees in the middle of the college grounds and propose and ask if you two should move together in her studio because since you love each other you can be happy in a hovel. What do you think?”

Bette: “But this is ridiculous…”

Voice: (sarcastically) “Do you want her to say yes or no?”

Bette: “No, of course…I’ll do it.”

Voice: “Bette, before we finish here…can you tell me if you have any regrets about anything?”

Bette: “I regret cheating and I regret letting Tina go when she told me about her feeling for men. I didn’t fight for her because I thought that I loved her enough to let her go so she would be happy with Henry and she would see that and will come back to me…she never did. And now, when I see Tina’s love for me in her eyes again, when I see the desire that I thought was long lost, I feel as if this is all too late. I’m in this mess with Jodi and Tina…” (Bette paused, swallowing her tears)

Voice: (softly) “What about Tina?”

Bette: “Just as you said…she thinks I’m in love with Jodi and I’m afraid she will let me go to have her. She wouldn’t fight for me.”

Voice: “Bette, do you realize that Tina is doing the same thing that you have done? She loves you enough to let you go so you could be happy. You both are so stubborn sometimes and don’t see the truth that is so obvious for everyone else.”

Bette: “What’s the truth?”

Voice: “That you are soulmates, you belong together…you just need to find each other again. So, first things first…let’s get rid of Jodi and then work on getting Tina back. Deal?”

Bette: (smiling, finally feeling happy for the first time in months): “Deal.”

Bette hung up and called Alice, asking her for help to find a tractor and steal a billboard. Meanwhile, Dan Foxworthy hung up the phone and smiled at Tina, who just came into his office after he finished his conversation with Bette.

Dan: “Finally, I got something right.”

Tina: (impatiently, placing one hand over her heart and biting her lower lip in anticipation) “What did she say?”

Dan: “She loves you and she wants you back.”

Tina: (exhales deeply) “Oh my God.”

Dan: “Just give her time to deal with Jodi and then we’ll go to Plan B.”

Tina: (smiling, also feeling happy for the first time in months) “How to win the love of my life back.”

 THE END