Before I got the chance to respond… she pulled me in and the next thing, I practically ran to Bette’s room with Alice tailing behind. I pushed opened the door lightly, walking in slowly, trying to imagine the worst scene… praying not to see the lifeless Bette that I first saw pushed into the ER… my heart pounded hardly… I shook my head… there I saw her… sitting on her bed... sobbing… looking pale…
My heart dropped when she looked up… her eyes filled with tears… but I still could see how defeated and helpless she was… a million questions floating through my brain… I raised my arms, walking towards her… gathered her in my arms… ‘Oh Bette…’ I couldn’t bear to see her like this… I tried to comfort her…
Her body vibrated with each sob… my heart clenched tighter each time her pain vibrated into my body… finally she managed to be calmed… and started to tell us about her dreams…
“I gave up to death…” I quivered involuntary… the image of lifeless Bette being pushed into the ER felt fresh… I could imagine every bits of her dream very clearly… I even felt the pain… lost… fear… and I started to cry too…
“Tee… baby… can you stay?” she asked tiredly…
I pushed her unruly locks away from her face and nodded lovingly at her… how I fell in love more with this woman…
I fell in love with her more… I’m surer about my feelings towards her… it’s nothing that I’ve experienced before… but suddenly the thought of… ‘Mom…’
“*sigh* How hurt and disappointed his parents must have been…” her words still ringing clearly in my head… her look so far away, her face so full of worries and disappointments at that moment. We had this conversation about this good guy friend of mine in high school, then she questioned about my relationship with him, so I had to tell her the truth that he’s gay so that she wouldn’t have to worry about me neglecting my studies to fall in love with that guy… I still remember clearly how her facial expression was when she was in deep thoughts after I told her that sweet guy is gay… that worry and disappointed look… I bet she was thinking what if one of her children is gay too… I never wanted to see her having that look on the account of anyone of us… her children… I’ve owed her too much and love her so much to put that look on her… On the other hand, Bette, my heart will break too if I unfairly keep her as a secret for too long, and I bet that look will be put on Bette’s face if I stuff her together with me back in the closet from my family…
All my life, I’ve never feel at ease to do something or go somewhere without my parents’ blessings, it’ll not feel right and everything will go wrong if I’ve done things behind their back without their approvals. Bette… will they approve and bless us? And how am I going to tell Bette about my parents?
Back to the situation now, I cannot deny the connection I have with Bette, I’ve not feel at ease since last Sunday… and sure as hell she has been having nightmares… Oh Bette… I can feel her pain and helplessness too.
I don’t know… once I’m in her arms… the world would fade away… it feels so safe and secure… I shouldn’t have blocked her out… I should have known better that she’s the only one that can calm me down and help me in no time. Just like now… I’ve never feel safer in any other places. This just proves me how wrong it was to push Tina away, how stupid I was to think that by blocking her out… she could be spared to see my pain… my failure… I don’t want to worry her… I don’t want to hurt her… I don’t want to disappoint her… most of all… I don’t want to lose her… my ‘pride’ has prevented me from showing my vulnerabilities and failures to her, for fear she would leave me because of my weaknesses… but I should give her more credits that she’s not the kind of person who would run away when the situation gets tough… just look at my whole stay in the hospital, how she has taken care of me… how it had helped me to recover so quickly… and look at us now… look at me now… pathetically clinging to her.
There’s a part of me still feel surreal that she’s here… with me… and I’m with her… but I’m really afraid of losing her, nobody stays long in my life… they come… then they leave… that’s why I started to not let people into my heart… in the past, when I just starting to let people into my heart… I sure will feel greatly disappointed when they leave… is it why I keep pushing people away?
A fear struck me when Tina moved… “Don’t leave…” I cling onto her tighter.
“I’m not going anywhere, babe…” assure Tina in her smooth and soft tone.
We stay… clinging to each other as if our lives depend on it…
After much process in my tired and troubled mind, I voice out my troubled mind to her… it is eating me up alive to talk about my emotions… to talk about my weaknesses… but there’s something pushing me and assure me that Tina is the one I can talk to.
“I’m afraid of losing you…” I admit quietly. “And I don’t wanna hurt you…”
“B… I’m not due to going anywhere… look at me babe….” She softly lifts up my chin to meet her hazel pools staring lovingly back at me “You are my destination… my destiny… I’ll be wherever you’re…”
I look into her eyes and see the truth and sincerity, I am touched… goose bumps form all over me… shiver being generated from my core and send up my spine…
She continues… “And you have a part of me with you always…” She brought my hand up to lay my palm on where her heart is…
I’m speechless… tears form in my eyes… for the record, I’ve cried for the umpteenth in these 4 turmoil days.
I couldn’t have been aroused when I put her palm over my chest… this is not the right time to feel like this… but I feel the need to have her… to want her… to show her that I love her truly… my heart accelerate and breaking at the same time… my temperature rising… I need to comfort her… the shiver shot through my veins… but there are lots of things to be resolved now… I must talk to her…
“Bette… about Sunday… err…” I feel her stiffen.
“T… I shouldn’t have carried away with it… I’m so sorry if I’d scared you… I know you weren’t ready… so was I…. and…”
She stopped and seemed like trying to prompt for the next word…
“I… I stopped that day when I… you know…” she seems like eating herself up alive when talking… “If I had let things continued the way it did that day, I know I would have totally let you into me… into my heart… let you see me at my most vulnerable moment… let you see the rawest me… and since you’d never been with a woman… I’m afraid that it would have scared you too…”
“Bette… I’m not as weak or naïve as you think… I’m a grown up who knows how to take care of myself…babe… see, I’m not that easily breakable…”
The words sting me… guess that the alpha side of me didn’t like to hear those words… but the logical part of me knows that she is right...
“I love you more than I could admit… I don’t want to lose you at all…”
“You are not going to lose me Bette.”
“And I don’t want to hurt you…”
“I’m not that fragile Babe.”
“But life is fragile T, things that are beyond our control is what scares me…”
I didn’t quite catch what is she trying to say, I look at her all confuse then she continues, “Death scares me… I realize that every time I found some happiness, death will come and threaten me… you see when I went to look for this sponsor, I successfully got the sponsor but I killed myself in the accident then…”
She tightened her hold of my hand, “We are just starting to go out together… when we are about to bring our relationship to the next level… I dreamt about death… encountered deaths in my dreams… I don’t want you to grieve over me, T.” she looks like she’s in great fear “Dreaming of you…. Dead also…” she started to burst into tears… “It seems so real T, I just couldn’t cope losing you and all that… I just couldn’t …”
She continues to sob while I rub her anyway possibly giving her comfort and console… “Can I possibly find any happiness?” she says desperately between sobs. It hurts me to see her so helpless, lost, sad, worry of losing me… I gather all of her into my arms, putting my head besides hers, my tears streaming down my own cheeks, I just feel her pain and vulnerabilities… but none of them scare me, I’m determined to help her stand up to find happiness which she deserves… which will bring me happiness as well.
“Bette, babe… life is short… but we must live everyday to the fullest… we must cherish our everyday, every hour, every minute and every second… together…”
She looks up at me with her tear stained face and swollen eyes… “Together…” she speaks weakly…
“Do you think you need some counselor to talk about the accident?” We will need a counselor to help Bette through her fear from the accident, her insecurities… maybe I should get myself one too as I saw her lifeless body being pushed into the ER operation room.
She nodded weakly. I know she’s determined to get this over with and we can move on with our life… together… happily.
Bette joins in a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder group.