“I sometimes think I’m my own worst enemy.” said Bette, still staring out across the pool.

“I don’t understand what you mean.” asked Tina, thankful that Bette had started to talk.

“Well, I should have been paying more attention.”

“Attention to what?” asked Tina again, more confused than she was before.

“To you.”

“Bette, you’ve always paid attention to me. You may get a little distracted at times but I’ve never doubted that I was always on your mind.”

“You have been, and I’ve been worried about you, about us, to be honest.”

“Why?”

“Not spending enough time together, my not knowing what you want. How could we have grown that far apart?”

“I don’t think that we are. It just feels that way right now. But you want to do something about it?”

“More than you know.”

Bette turned to Tina and smiled. She was always harder on herself than Tina ever was. It was one of the things that worked between them, when Bette was beating herself up about something that she hadn’t gone as well as she hoped or something that she couldn’t control Tina was always there, telling her that it would be OK. That it wasn’t her fault, or a way that they could put it right together. There had been countless times over the years when the indomitable Bette Porter had been put back on her feet by Tina.

Tina felt her hand being caressed by Bette. The hand that not that long ago had been inside Bette. Tina gave an involuntary shudder of pleasure as she remembered how she had made Bette come, how she had felt the orgasm rip through her lover. Tina couldn’t even put into words how good it made her feel to know that she was the woman that got to do that. To be inside Bette made her life complete like she never thought it would be.

“Would you want to give up work straight away?” asked Bette, surprising Tina with her directness.

“You haven’t said that you want to start our family yet.” challenged Tina.

“I know, I just want to know how deeply you’ve thought about it. Whether you’ve completely made up your mind that you definitely want it to happen.”

“Bette, I never hid the fact that I wanted children from you. You’ve known that almost from the beginning. I’ll admit there have been times, especially at the beginning of our relationship that I hardly thought about it at all. I just wanted you all to myself but now, over the last six months I’ve thought about it more and more. It’s something that I definitely want. Now I need to know if you feel the same way.”

“It would mean a lot of changes.”

“Change can be good.”

Bette let a little snort of derision out as Tina said that. It made Tina smile to think about how anything that upset the order of Bette’s life was treated with distain and yet she knew that she was the one thing that had upset the order in Bette’s life beyond anything else and Bette constantly told her that her life was so much better than she could have ever imagined because of Tina. Maybe Bette would come round to the idea that a small amount of change could be good but something that was life changing could be even better.

“I want to give you everything that you want.” said Bette quietly.

“I know babe, but this is something that we both want to happen. It would change both of our lives in the most incredible way.”

“What if I don’t match up to your expectations, that I’m not the person that you want me to be.”

“Bette, you’ve always been the woman that I’ve wanted.” said Tina, a slight smirk on her face, trying to create some levity.

“You know I don’t mean like that.” laughed Bette, in reply.

“Tell me what your really thinking.”

“I want to tell you that having a child with you something that I want, with no doubt in my mind, but I don’t think that I can do that. My mind’s racing with doubt.”

“Why?”

“What happens if we don’t last, you would hate me and I know that he or she would always be your child. What if you didn’t want me to see them.”

Tears had started to form in Bette’s eyes. She started to look away but Tina gently cradled her face with the hand that wasn’t currently encased in Bette’s. Tina stroked her thumb across Bette’s cheeks and up towards Bette’s eye, gently wiping away the tear that had started to fall. They looked at each other, silently, Tina trying to communicate how much love she felt for Bette. Bette trying to tell Tina how much she needed her to care.

Tina moved her chair so that she was now facing Bette, looking deeply into her eyes. Trying to read what was going on in her mind, trying to figure out where this uncharacteristic burst of insecurity had come from.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” said Tina softly.

“You don’t know that.”

“I know that I’m not going to let you be the one that got away.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” confirmed Bette.

“I also know that I love you, that I trust you.”

“Do you trust me enough to be the mother of your child?”

“Yes.” said Tina, firmly.

“What if I fuck it up?”

“Bette, how could you fuck it up that badly?” asked Tina, coaxing all of Bette’s uncertainty out of her.

“By working too long, by not spending enough time with you, by not getting my priorities right.”

“Bette, tell me what you really mean.”

“My mother Tina, she’s not around anymore. She left me. My father, nothing I ever did was good enough. How can I be a good parent when I have that kind of history?”

“Because I’ll be here, every step of the way. We’ll be in it together, learning the best way to raise a child. I know we’ll make mistakes but we’ll learn from them and do it right the next time.”

“I don’t know how you do it.”

“What?”

“Say the thing that makes it all make sense.”

“You really want to do this, don’t you?” asked Bette, smiling again.

“Yes, but only if you want it too.”

“But….”

“Bette, there are lots of ‘buts’ involved in this. I don’t have a clear plan of what’s going to happen and when it going to take place. All you need to do it say yes and we’ll figure the rest out as we go along.”