Tina registered the look on Bette’s face once she had said the words. It wasn’t shock, it couldn’t be because Bette had always known that Tina had wanted children at some point. It was more that it had come as something unexpected, at least today. Maybe this wasn’t the right time, but it felt like the right time. Better than any other time Tina had brought up the subject before, and by the look that was now coming across Bette’s face Tina could see that she was seriously considering the idea.
Tina thought back to the very first time that she had discussed the idea of having children with Bette. They had only been dating a few months but Tina had felt this indescribable need to tell Bette everything that was on her mind. Before, with the men that she had been with, she had always felt this need to keep something back for herself, but not with Bette. She wanted to give everything to Bette, but that wasn’t what had surprised her. What had caught her off guard was how quickly it happened. Tina had always wish to meet someone that she didn’t have to hide from, someone that wouldn’t be scared by what she hoped for, what she feared. Little did she know that once she had found that person she would find herself laid bare, so fast.
They had come back from a lazy Sunday afternoon at the beach and after a shower both her and Bette had found themselves lying on the sofa, Tina in Bette‘s arms. In those early days Bette would often ask Tina to tell her something that she didn’t know about her. When Bette asked this Tina would normally give up something trivial, like her favourite flavour ice cream, the places she went to when she was a child, but this time it felt different. There seemed to be more gravity to the way that Bette had asked the question, like she was expecting an answer that would give her some insight into the woman that she was falling in love with.
Tina extricated herself out of Bette’s arms and looked deep into her eyes. She remembered the way that Bette had smiled at her, the look in her eye that said ‘please tell me something so that I can know you better’. Tina could never resist that smile, and she still couldn’t, not even after all these years. Tina had agreed to Bette’s request but only on the condition that Bette tell her something first. Something important, something that she had never told anyone before.
Bette looked at Tina the way that she was doing right now. Weighing up her options, thinking before speaking, being careful to say the right thing and to say it like she meant it. Tina knew that there could be so many things that Bette could say, so many things that she still had to learn about the woman that had stole her heart. When Bette finally spoke she took Tina’s breath away. Thinking back, it still bought a smile to Tina’s face. There was a sincerity in Bette’s eyes that spoke straight to Tina’s heart. The way that Bette had told her that she never imagined giving her heart completely to another, that she never really believed that it was possible to love someone the way that she loved Tina, that she always thought that love would betray her and that every day that she spent with Tina she found herself being proved more and more wrong. Bette spoke of love, that night, of something beyond her reach, and then, because of Tina, something that was now within her grasp, something that she would nurture, take care of, treasure forever.
They were silent for a while after that, taking in the enormity of Bette’s words. Tina had always dreamed of falling in love the way that she had with Bette and to hear Bette talk about how much it meant to her, how much it meant to both of them, Tina could hardly contain herself. She kissed Bette, long and deep, taking in every smell, every taste that she could. Every feeling was one to savour. Tina shook her head remembering how Bette was wise to her. How Bette had understood that this was a diversionary tactic of Tina’s to make her forget that she had asked the question in the first place. Tina remembered how Bette had laughed at the small whimper of protest that came from her as Bette pulled away.
Bette waited patiently, just as Tina was doing now, for Tina to answer her. Tina took a deep breath in, not knowing to how Bette was going to react. Tina started slowly, trying to explain to Bette how she had imagined her life progressing, her career, then meeting a man who would love her, marriage, then…and that’s when Tina started to falter. In the few short months that she had been with Bette she had already experienced more love than any of her other relationships put together. Tina knew what her and Bette had was true, but there was just one doubt in her mind. She had always wanted children and now she didn’t know if she’d thrown that chance away.
Tina, deep in her heart, knew that she was being unfair. She should give Bette a chance to lay her doubts to rest, just like she had done with everything else. Every time Tina hesitated as to where their relationship was heading Bette had always been there to steer them in the right direction. The first kiss, the first date, the first night that they had spent together Bette was there, saying and doing the right thing, making it simple. Easing Tina’s troubled mind into clearer waters. Why should this be any different and it wasn’t as if Tina wanted it to happen right now, it was something for the future.
When Tina had come round from her thoughts she concentrated on Bette’s face. The deep look in her eyes, the strong cheekbones and the contour of her lips. The lips that she had spent hours kissing, the lips that spoke greater truths than she could have ever imagined. When Tina finally said the words Bette’s only reply was that she already knew. Tina didn’t need to ask how, because she already knew the answer. Everybody knows. The rest of the night was spent talking, touching, sharing secrets that would remain between them, that would build the foundation of the relationship that they were in today.
Tina looked up and saw Bette smiling at her. She smiled back, again how could anyone resist that smile? Tina could see Bette’s mind racing but she also knew that there were only two possible answers. This was something that they couldn’t compromise on. They either did or they didn’t. Tina thought back to the conversation that they had been having over the last few months. She had been trying to float the idea as something that Bette might consider, hoping to let Bette come to a conclusion in her own time but that didn’t seem to be working. Now she had put Bette in a position where there was no hiding place. She had laid her cards on the table and was now waiting to see if Bette could match her.
It felt like hours had passed but it could have only been a few minutes. Tina looked to the place where Bette’s eyes seemed to be focused, out across the pool, skipping over the water into the middle distance. Tina didn’t know what answered laid out there for Bette but when she felt Bette’s hand reach over to take hers into her lap she knew that she was about to find out.
