Chapter 4

Bette inhaled deeply, just taking in the feel and smell of waking up entangled with Tina.  She didn’t want to move this feeling was something she had wished and hoped for so long.  No matter how much Bette had tried to distance herself, shield her heart from memories of moments just like this her heart held onto the memory of this feeling.  But this morning is was all real.  This whole week was a growing memory that was at this moment weaving its way into the catalog of past and present to rapidly become Bette’s best.

The ride home from dinner Sunday night had been an emotional tightrope walking act for Bette. Wanting to say or do only encouraging, supportive acts for Tina almost was her undoing.  Tina was totally in control of the speed of events to happen but at times Bette could tell that Tina was uncertain if she was setting the proper pace.  At least that’s the belief Bette held onto.  Tina’s concern was only an issue of timing and nothing else.

Bette hadn’t felt this nervous the first time around when she was courting Tina.  But back then she commanded more control.  While she had waited for Tina she still felt she was in the driver’s seat setting the tone and direction the courtship would take.  This time she felt more reactive, almost defensive in nature waiting to read Tina’s reactions or her body language before committing to a move or direction.

Glancing repeatedly over in Tina’s direction, Bette couldn’t say from glance to glance where she would end up tonight.  Just when she believed she had the green light and could begin to react to that emotion a gale storm warnings would spring up like surging white caps making her rethink her position.  By the time they returned to the rental house Bette was totally at a loss in attempting to predict Tina’s inclination for the rest of the evening.  Bette was beginning to think that licking her index finger and putting it up in the air to test the prevailing wind might tell her more. 

Arriving home Bette felt it best to make no assumptions.  Walking behind Tina while she headed towards the front door she resolved in her mind not to be disappointed if she ended up in bed alone.  There was always tomorrow.  Taking this attitude brought a certain calm to Bette that translated into confident body language.

Tina walked up to the house with the debate raging in her head.  Would it be moving too quick to allow Bette in her bed tonight?  Yes she and Bette have been intimate but always Tina had found a way to extract herself by either using Angelica as an excuse or contriving other circumstances so they could never wake in the same bed in the morning.

Reconciling herself to the passion that still flows between the two of them was easy.  Loving Bette was never the problem.  It is a natural outlet for the strings that tie them together but for some reason waking up together in the morning in the same bed means commitment.  It means seeing your lover when they are not at their best.  Bed head and trash breath all rolled into intimate encounters that lend to the hash realities of early morning light.

After all right now Bette is attentive, kind and all around loveable but what happens after she wins and begins to feel comfortable?  Will she become self-satisfied with their relationship?  Will this self-satisfaction lead to complacency … again?  Once she feels back in all good graces will she begin to put everything else before me or worse Angelica?  So far Bette’s been nothing short of wonderful but Tina’s convictions that Bette wouldn’t fall into old patterns wasn’t completely gone.  Total reliance on Bette would open her up for heart break.

As rational as this train of thought appeared before it could pick up steam and barrel down the track unrestrained to hopelessness CHANCE intervened.  The chance that Bette was just what she appears to be loving, caring and in the moment.  Not dwelling on the past or trying to dictate their future that’s the Bette that Tina has known for the last few years.  That’s the thinking that has gotten them this far to begin with.  That’s the Bette Tina knew today.

So why does the past keep raising it head.  It isn’t any stretch of Tina’s imagination to know that the explosive fury that she initially displayed at Bette’s betrayal has many outlets.  It was first seen as the raging anger Tina carried around to camouflage the damaged her heart had sustained.  She then allowed it to become an insidious silent noose that engulfed her.  It strangled her emotions, her heart, her soul to the extent that it prevented her from being herself.  She did or said things that were not from her heart but more from the protection center of her brain so as not to be hurt again.  These actions were all betrayals in their own right. 

Flaunting Henry in Bette’s face, threatening to take Angelica away permanently and finally making her sell all their join assets as part of their settlement these were all betrayals by Tina.  These stealth attacks on Bette’s psyche and self esteem were fueled by not dealing honestly with the emotional and physical ache caused by Bette’s betrayal.  But when it came down to it, she really missed the connection they had.....she missed her heart and soul.....Bette. 

Two wrongs don’t make a right.  She can’t move beyond friendship with Bette unless she leaves all the betrayals behind hers and Bette’s.  She needs to expel the fury in all its forms.  Tina realized in that moment that she couldn’t keep delaying the moment.  That today is today and if she spends all her time worrying about protecting her heart that the day will pass and with it any chance of happiness with Bette. 

She needs to be honest, open and receptive to the possibility that they can find happiness together.  Tina needed to throw away the filters that she used to judge every action or deed that Bette performs instead let her heart see Bette’s actions in the natural light they are intended.

When Tina arrived at the front door she turns to look at Bette, really seeing her looking with her heart.  Before her she sees the relaxed and confident woman who returns her look with one full of love and sincerity.  Tina marvels how receiving this look instills her with such a sense of confidence.  All the precautions and perceived need for escape routes were merely aberrations of her mind, ghosts images from the past that Tina was better off letting go.

With a renewed desire and interest, Tina offers her hand to Bette before she crosses the threshold.  As Bette extents her hand in response Tina brings it up to her lips.  Giving it a gentle kiss before looking into Bette’s eyes, “Bette I struggle to leave the past in the past.  You’d think after all this time I’d have a better perspective but I need you for that to come in clearly.  Let’s do this together … you and me crossing all the bridges united.  We’ve come to this point and now I’m ready.  I’m aware I’m playing catch up to you a little.”  Tina pauses appreciation showing itself on her face.  She knows that Bette has been treading water waiting for her for some time now.  Almost in a whisper “I’m here now … do this with me?”

Bette stood mesmerized by the events before her.  The connection she felt all through dinner was back.  This was Tina, the key to her happiness, doing everything that she had prayed for.   Looking into Tina’s eyes Bette can see the piece that seems to have been missing, the part of Tina that she’s missed.  Afraid to react too quickly Bette squeezes Tina’s hand in response and is rewarded by Tina’s quick tug pulling her in close. 

Squeezing Bette’s hand with one hand and opening the front door with the other Tina opens the door and lead Bette through together.  It’s amazing how easy it was once she let go of everything else.  Tina didn’t stop once they were through the door but continued to lead Bette into the bedroom she had selected for herself.  Not bothering with any lights or shutting any doors, Tina now that her mind was set couldn’t wait for any other trivial distractions.  Once in the bedroom with Bette still in tow she moves straight up to the bed before she stops, turning to pull Bette close.

With Bette’s face just inches away from Tina’s, “Bette I want to make love to you.  Would that be alright?” Tina asks as she releases Bette’s hand so she can gently stroke the side of Bette’s cheek ending her question by cupping her palm.  They each are staring into the other’s eyes.  What they see is timeless, mirror images of what each of their hearts are saying playing there for the viewing. 

Bette slowly begins to move closer to Tina who stands her ground.  The moment of anticipation, of heighten senses becomes the moment of answered prayers when their lips meet to begin that connection that only two meant for each other can experience.  It was tender, sweet and satisfying in its reaffirmation of their love.  What started out as Bette kissing Tina quickly became Tina kissing Bette as her drive to prove to Bette that she has arrived at the destination of unconditional love once again.