“Are you okay?” Tina quietly asked.

Again I merely nod my head, afraid that if I tried to answer that question she wouldn’t be prepared to hear the answer.

“Would you prefer to be alone?”

“No, I’m glad you came…, that you brought Angelica…, thank you.”

“I needed to come here too Bette.”

I noticed the edge in her voice, she misunderstood my gratitude.

“I know, I didn’t mean… I’m sorry…”  I went quiet, inwardly sighing, my emotions in turmoil, I was glad they were here, but it also reminded me that they were no longer mine. I suddenly had to know, “does he know you’re here?”

“Henry knows we came to the beach, he doesn’t need to know anything else.”

Her answer confirmed to me that she hadn’t told him about our son, and I was glad, it wasn’t for anyone else to know, her was ours, no one else’s.

We settled into some neutral idle banter, as we eat the lunch Tina had made, I silently noticed how she had made my favourite sandwiches; I gave an inward smile as I accepted her generosity. 

We talk mostly on the common ground which we were both happy to discuss, Angelica.  I kneeled in the sand with her, making sandcastles, her toothy smile melting my heart every time I looked at her.

Tina sat watching us, smiling at our daughter as she covered me with her sandy hands, we laughed at her antics as we shared the joy together, the reason for us all being at the beach never far from our minds.

“Is it okay if I take her for a paddle?” I ask Tina, looking into those eyes, the eyes that haunted me at night, she smiled her response, my heart skipped a beat as I remembered a time when that smile meant more than the answer to a question.

I stood holding Angelica’s hands at the shore edge, lifting her clear as the small waves tickled her toes, she giggled, I smiled, I picked her up in my arms, holding her close, kissing her and blowing on her belly, she laughed once again, squirming in my arms, I put her down again as she made her unsteady footsteps through the wet sand, kicking water as she ran, she suddenly fell, face first in the water, arms outstretched, she got up, face, hands and clothes soaking wet and covered in wet sand, a big toothy grin plastered across her face.

I panicked, afraid that Tina would be mad, our daughter wasn’t hurt, she wasn’t upset, but she was soaking wet and covered in sand.  I took Angelica’s hand and we walked back to the rock. I looked up tentatively, expecting the wrath of Tina Kennard at letting our daughter fall over in the water.

As we reached the blanket I saw her smiling at the state she saw Angelica in, I gave an inward sigh, thankful I had not upset her.

“I’m sorry, she fell over and kinda got messed up, she’s okay though.” I explained.

“Its fine Bette, she’s having a great time…”

“Okay…” I say tentatively, still unsure where our boundaries lay today.

“I’ll clean her off, I have some spares for her, so she’ll be fine, but we’ll have to get going soon, she’ll be ready for a sleep soon. Are you staying?”

I averted my eyes, I didn’t want her to see the disappointment in my eyes, I didn’t want them to go, “sure, I… uh… didn’t realise what the time was, of course she’s due for her nap… I’m going to stay a while longer.”

“Are you doing your usual?”

I smiled, she still knew me, “yeah, it’s going to be a great sunset tonight…”

I sat back on the blanket and watched as Tina changed our daughter amidst the struggling sandy hands.  It brought a smile to my face to see that it wasn’t only me that Angelica still struggled with when she was changing.

Tina became quiet after I had sat down, was it just me wanting them to stay or didn’t she really want to go home either.  Home. Home to Henry. I wonder if she felt like it was going home, I wonder if she was happy, she gave the impression of being happy, but the few times that those adoring eyes had met mine, I was sensing something else, something not quite right.

“Tina?”

She looked up just as she finished putting Angelica’s clean shorts on, standing Angelica up on the blanket in front of me.

We looked at one another for a moment, like we used to, I wondered now whether I should ask her this question, but I needed to know, I needed to know that what we went through was worth what she had in her life now.

“Are you happy?” I quietly asked.

She looked away, out to sea, the emotions and thoughts plain to see as they crossed her face, she looked back at me then with her answer, “I’m okay…”

It was open ended, was she okay happy, or was she okay but not happy, I was unsure how I should respond, but she never gave me the opportunity as she stood, gathering their belongings together.  I brought Angelica into a hug, sitting her on my lap while I played the usual game with her of kissing each of her fingers, then placing a kiss on her nose as her adoring eyes smiled at me, they were the deepest ebony as were mine, but I saw it, I saw the hazel flecks within them, the traces of Tina very clear for me to see, that’s where she had got the look from, the look from those adoring eyes.

“Uh… we should get going…”

I took a deep breath and tried my hardest not to look disappointed, but she wouldn’t look at me now, I stood with Angelica in my arms, I wanted to say just one thing to her, it was important to me and I hoped she would listen.

“Tina…?”

She looked at me with those eyes again.

“Thank you… for coming here today, I know you came here for you too, to remember him, but I appreciate it that we could spend this time together… remembering…”

I saw her eyes well, they mirrored my own, we both knew that it was important we did this together.

“Thank you… for the flowers and the card.  I appreciated it.”

“You’re welcome…, I just wanted you to know I hadn’t forgotten…”

“I know you’d never forget Bette…”

We stood looking at one another, both unconsciously wanting to prolong the time together, but Angelica’s presence made that impossible as her niggling tiredness was overtaking her good mood.

“I should go…”

“Okay”

She smiled at me she turned, it was a sad smile and it broke my heart, I watched her walk away, she didn’t turn back, I knew she wouldn’t but I still watched in hope, regardless, I watched until I couldn’t see them anymore.

I sat, alone once again, looking out to sea and I smiled, the day had turned out better than I had anticipated, I expected to be alone and I was for many hours, until they came and joined me, but now, the empty feeling had returned. I lent my head back against the rock and closed my eyes, the afternoon sun warming my skin.

When I opened my eyes the evening had descended on me, I glanced at my watch and realised I had slept for over 2 hours, the sun was lowering in the sky, I had awoken in plenty of time to watch the sunset on our son’s second birthday. I stood for a moment, stepping down to the shore, clearing the sleep from my mind, the freshness of the early evening air waking me from the deep sleep.

As I saw the sun beginning its descent I turned walk back to the rock, to sit back on the blanket, wanting to settle for what looked like it would be a heart warming sunset, to finish off what had turned out to be an okay day.

As I began the short walk back up the beach I looked up to my destination, and I stopped suddenly, seeing Tina sat on the blanket watching me. I looked around, seeing if Angelica was with her too, she was alone.

I tentatively walked back, my eyes never leaving hers. I stood at the edge of the blanket before I sat down.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah…, Angelica is visiting her Auntie Kit.”

I smiled at her explanation, Kit would be loving this, “I didn’t expect to see you again today…”

She smiled back at me, “I like sunsets too…”

“Yeah…, you do…” I returned the smile and sat beside her, far enough apart that I was not in her personal space, but close enough for us to share the time.

I didn’t know what to make of her presence, but I wouldn’t question it, I revelled in it, we now had the perfect ending to the day.  We both sat looking out to sea, silence between us. My peripheral vision was taking in her calmness, I felt her give a shiver beside me, I turned my head, looking at her as she continued to look out to sea.

“Are you cold?”

“A little, I’m okay.  I forgot to pick up my jacket…”

“Would you like my sweater?”

She looked at me then, those adoring eyes boring into me, she shook her head while her eyes continued to make my heart melt.

I moved my arms, leaning back slightly, instinctively knowing where she wanted to sit.

She moved herself between my legs, leaning her back against me, I didn’t know what to do with my arms, the feeling of Tina’s body against me was making my head swirl, she made the decision for me as she took my hands and wrapped them around her, she nestled down against me, giving a satisfied sigh.

I gave an inward smile as the warmth invaded my entire being, this was the most unexpected way to watch the sunset, never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined watching the deepest pink sun, gently drifting toward the sea, on this day, remembering our son’s second birthday, with Tina in my arms.

A moment of reality hit me as I realised that I would still be going home alone tonight, the tears welled in my eyes as I rested my cheek on the familiar blonde hair, the smell invading my nostrils, the softness against my face, the tears rolled down my cheeks as I said the only thing that came into my mind.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you…”

Her silence cut through me, she didn’t move, her hands covered mine as she quietly answered me.

“I miss you…”