Those Adoring Eyes - Chapter 1

The text read, “I’ll be thinking of you both.”

Kit had known that I would not answer the home phone or my cell.  Not today, not on this day, the day I remember, and I am thankful that my sister also remembers. 

I also know that Tina remembers, although I am unaware of how she will remember today, we remembered this day together last year, but the year before on what would have been the day he was due to be born, I did that alone, just like today.  And today…, today the son we lost would have been blowing out 2 candles.

I park the car, and sit for a moment, contemplating what I knew would be a day of thought, recollection, fond memories, painful memories and solitude, its still very early and the only people who are here are a few runners taking an early morning run and an odd person or two, sitting to watch the sunrise.

I gather the only three things that I desire today, a blanket to sit on, a sweater for later, because I knew that darkness would descend from the sky by the time I leave, and a bottle of water, my favourite, her favourite, our favourite, Pellengrino.

I slip my shoes off as I reach the sand, feeling the coolness underfoot, the sun’s warmth not yet caressing the sand with its rays as I head for the place where I always sat – the one particular rock that I would lean against as I spent the day in my own company.

The sand sinks around my toes with each step I take, my footprints being the only ones on this part of the beach, the sweeping tide having smoothed the surface from yesterdays enthusiastic visitors, the smoothness of the fresh sand was in such stark contrast to how she was feeling and the reason I was here, I didn’t want the waves of time to erase the memory, I came to this place that is washed clean each day to remember, to fortify the memory of my son, so that he isn’t forgotten, my memory will never be washed clean.

I take a deep breath, holding it inside for a moment as my eyes take in the rock that was my destination for the day, the memories that I know that will occupy my thoughts quickly flashing through my mind, the previous days I have spent here, the company I had at the time, and the days that I spent alone here.

Will I be able to keep the tears at bay today, the previous visits to this beach have been fraught with tears, tears of all kinds, grieving tears, lonely tears, lost tears, tears for him, tears for her and tears for me, all that I have shed whilst leaning against this rock, the very rock that is now directly in front of me, but even if there are tears, I accept that they will join the memories of other times I have spent here.

I lay the blanket out on the sand and put my shoes, sweater, car keys and water to the side.  I stand for a moment, just looking out to sea, a sea which was always there, whichever emotion I was feeling, it would be there to greet me, if I was angry it would calm me, if I was sad it would lift me, if I wanted to talk it would listen, and if I just wanted to stand and watch, it would make patterns along its surface for me to look at.

I sit down, rolling my faded levis up, brushing the sand from the hem, I sigh, the day has only just begun and I feel its been a very long day already, I know my head is about to swim with thoughts, but being here today, I have told myself to concentrate on the memories of the days in the past when I sat at this rock, I’ve come to learn the valuable lesson that to sit and continually analyse other past failings will not do me any good.

I intend to try and think in a positive manner today, but already I’m not sure that its what I will achieve, maybe it would be best to just allow my mind and thoughts to follow their own course, but the best course would be to start at the beginning, when the visiting of this beach and this very rock began.

The first time, nearly two and a half years ago, we sat together.  It was the day after Tina had told me that he had died, the day after I arrived at the appointment late only to be told by our doctor that she couldn’t find a heartbeat, a moment of my life that I will never forget, a moment in my life when my lack of time management stood up in front of me and slapped me in the face.

I had stood holding the books that I had been looking for, waiting to be able to read them to him whilst in the womb of my partner, when I was told about his demise, it should have been that we were together on that day, and I had failed my partner in the worst possible way, failed her and have never, to this day, felt that I would ever be able to right that wrong.  I was told that I would have to bring Tina back the following day, in order for them to carry out the procedure to remove the foetus, it wasn’t a foetus, it was our baby, our son, a son we both wanted, that we both conceived of, in the most intimate and loving way.

When I returned home, amidst the pressure of LA traffic and the growing pressure of my work, I rushed into our home to find my partner, crying like I have never seen her cry before, I held her, I rocked her, I tried my very hardest to be there for her, to absorb the pain she was feeling, to ignore the pain that was rising in my own chest, the pain that told me I would never hold our son in my arms, I had to be strong for her, to allow her to fall, while I caught her and held her in my arms. 

I had to talk to her and tell her we would get through it together, I would be there for her to hold her hand when they did the unmentionable thing of removing our son from her body, I would pack up his belongings that we had gathered since finding out we were to become parents, but she told me she wanted to do that, she wanted to hold the clothes we had bought and feel the softness and smell the unique aroma that would have been out son.  She wanted to do it, it was her body that was nestling our son, our dead son, it was her pain to deal with.

Despite her harsh words I continued to hold her, to hold the growing anger in her, and I held her all night, I undressed her, I gently bathed her body, my hands delicately hovering over her stomach where our dead son nestled, all the while aware that the constant tears continued to fall over my partners cheeks, I continued to be strong for her while I dried her, my words of comfort falling on deaf ears as I received no response from the empty hazel eyes , those adoring eyes that, usually, always told me so much. 

We slowly walked back to our bedroom, the bedroom he was conceived in, the day we made the most perfect gentle love, when we gazed into each others eyes and spoke of our love for one another, as I planted the seed we had chosen together, to embed and become the child we craved, although that day lingers in my mind, I do not speak of it, that would be too much to bare, maybe when we are at a place to accept the happenings of today, maybe then we would share it together.

I laid Tina down on our bed and told her I would be a few minutes, I had to lock the doors and windows, to turn off the lights, but she held onto me, afraid to let me go, so I just held her, I sat in the middle of our bed with her in my arms, nestled between my legs, her face resting against my chest, it was how I spent the whole night, my eyes never closing as her tears fell, as her hands clasped me tighter, afraid of me letting her go, but I tighten my arms, I reassured her that I wouldn’t leave her side, I kissed the freshly washed hair, resting my cheek on her head as I told her how much I loved her, and how sorry I was that we had lost our son, how very deeply sorry I was that I was not by her side when she had been told, her silence remained, I hope she heard me that night.

As slumber caught up with her, the exhaustive emotions overtaking her body, she remained in my arms, I continued to rock her gently, whisper to her, kiss her golden hair, to tighten my arms around her when I felt her stir, only to be graced with her relaxing against me once again. 

I didn’t close my eyes once, the lights remained on and the doors to our garden had remained unlocked, I had locked our front door when I had to face the protestors outside of our home, the fight was beginning to drain from me when those people felt they had the right to stand outside my home, when the woman I was in love with was crying uncontrollably inside, I should not of have had to leave her to deal with them, but my home and family was my sanctuary, and they had overstepped the boundary.

When morning came she awoke in my arms, and she remained silent, there were no words of comfort or understanding that I could offer to her that would warrant a response, either verbal or physical, her automatic pilot had kicked in while her own body and emotions shut down in order to cope with the pending invasion.

The quiet drive to the hospital was a short journey made ever so much longer by the silence, my hand never left hers, I gave a squeeze every now and again, reinforcing the knowledge that I was there for her.  I led her into the waiting room, my arm around her while others looked on at the silent distraught partner at my side.

Our doctor was gentle and reassuring, her words of comfort and understanding helped me when the time came for Tina to have the procedure carried out, I promised I would hold her hand throughout, but I wasn’t allowed, it was the first time our eyes met since the previous day as the knowledge hit her, the panic had sliced through her as they led her into another room, I told her how much I loved her and that I would only be in the other room, but I knew she had taken my promise to heart, I had promised I would hold her hand when they did it and now I had to sit and wait, to watch the faceless door, knowing that behind it the woman I loved more than anything in the world had no one’s hand to hold and no one to whisper words of comfort while they removed him from her body. 

My eyes remained transfixed on the door, while my heart pounded, it pounded for Tina, hoping to understand the magnitude of what she was going through behind that door, it pounded for our son who had not been strong enough to survive, and it pounded for the mixture of emotions I was feeling myself, the desolate feeling of losing the one thing we had both been wanting for so long, the feeling of needing to be strong for Tina, she was the most important one, she was physically going through the loss as well as emotionally, I had to keep my emotions in check in order to support her, I could put my own pain aside, ignore it and deal with it another time, when I was alone and when no one would see my tears of weakness.

When the door opened I was immediately out of my seat, wanting to hold her, comfort her, to wipes away her tears, her head was bowed, the doctor had her hand on Tina's back, gently stroking her while our eyes silently spoke to one another, Tina would need tender loving care, she would need rest and support, both emotional and physical, we both knew how deeply this event would cut into Tina's life, I smiled gently at our doctor, confirming our silent conversation that I would take care of her, I would do anything for this woman as I took her in my arms and held her, the silent tears began to fall as she allowed me to wrap my arms around her.

We stood for a moment while I held her, I slowly ushered her out to my car, my arms still around her as I opened the passenger door, she said one word to me, I barely heard her, but I understood, 'beach...' was all she said, and I knew she didn't want to go home, she wanted for us to go to the beach together, to mourn our son.

So this is the place where we ended up… here…, with me sat on the sand, my back against this rock with Tina sat on my lap, cradled against me, and its how we stayed for the day, she didn't move from my lap, she cried and I held her, we walked in silence and I held her hand, I told her how much I loved her, how much I missed her, she gave me an indignant look and I knew it was a selfish comment to make, but I did miss her. I missed her and I missed our son.

Tina became a little distant after that comment, even though I tried to explain my feelings to her, how I was holding it together in order to be strong for her, and how sad it made me feel that we had lost our son, I am unsure whether she heard me as she remained silent throughout my explanation, I remained quiet after that, an empty feeling washing over me as I realised how selfish I was trying to talk to Tina about how I felt, I should be concentrating on her, taking care of her, being there for her, being strong for her and absorbing her pain, she was the one who had gone through the physical loss after all, as she had said to me the previous day, the trouble was that my heart was breaking, and I didn’t feel that I could tell Tina that, so I tried very hard to hide those feelings.

When we arrived home that evening, I asked Tina whether she wanted me to bathe her once again, her silent nod confirmed that she neither had the strength or inclination to do it herself, the emotions that had drained from her over the past thirty six hours had sapped the physical strength from her, she didn’t want to eat or drink and she remained silent and distant. 

As I silently undressed her I noticed the blood in her underwear, the residue of our son’s demise, I hid the evidence from her staring, empty eyes,  those adoring eyes that I loved, while she laid in the warmth of the bath I moved her clothing, I went to the kitchen and my eyes were drawn to her bloodstained underwear, I brought it to my chest and wept for my son alone, the tears wracked my body as I grasped the garment to my heart, letting go of the pain I had been feeling as Tina lay in the bath at the other end of the house, she wouldn’t hear my tears, I wouldn’t allow that to happen, I had to be strong for her.

When my tears had subsided, I gathered myself together and splashed cold water over my face, wiping the evidence of my emotions away, taking a deep breath I slowly walked toward the bathroom, drawing my inner strength together so that I could continue to be strong for the woman I loved.

I helped her from the bath, her eyes still downcast, I wanted her to look at me, I wanted her to see how much I loved her without me saying the words, I wanted her to look at me so that I could see how she was feeling,  I wanted to look into those adoring eyes,  I wanted her to talk to me.  I gently dried her body and led her once again to the bedroom, I laid her weak body on the bed, all the while talking to her, I kissed her forehead as I told her I would be back in a few minutes, she was silent, her eyes staring at the ceiling, I felt her retreating from me, she wasn’t clinging to me as she had been earlier. 

I returned to the bedroom once I had locked the doors and checked the windows, her eyes remained open as I undressed and got into our bed beside her, I brought her into my arms and I felt her stiffen, I tried to relax her as I had the night before, whispering how much I loved her, how sorry I was that I wasn’t there for her, and more importantly that we, neither of us, had any control over what had happened, I wanted her to know that I didn’t blame her for the loss of our son, but those words were inappropriate, blame was not a word or subject that I wished to bring up, but I knew that deep down she would have elements of guilt, but I knew there was no blame, I would never lay blame or guilt at her door, I just wanted to comfort her, I wanted to make it all better, to take her pain away.  I would rather suffer than to see the woman I love in pain, it was breaking my heart to see how distraught she was, I was trying my hardest, but deep down I felt it wasn’t enough, it would never be enough.

When we awoke in the morning I was flabbergasted, it was like the last two days had never existed.  Tina had got out of bed and washed and dressed, she was in the kitchen making my breakfast, I tried to talk to her, to ask her how she was feeling, but she averted her eyes and ignored my questions, the subject was closed, it wasn’t up for discussion, and I felt that in order to continue to be strong for her, then I shouldn’t try and talk to her about it, if she was being strong and moving on, then I should too.

Only I couldn’t, I still had the feelings inside, I was still feeling a dreadful pain in my chest when I thought about our son, but I couldn’t let Tina know that, she would think I was weak and I needed to be strong, but the pain grew, I felt Tina drifting away from me, when all I wanted was her to be close to me, I wanted to hold her in my arms and continue to tell her how much I loved her, but when we were in bed, she turned her back on me, I lay beside the woman I loved and allowed the silent tears to fall while she slept.  I tried to be strong, I tried to hold it together, but I couldn’t, I tried and I couldn’t, that’s when I turned to another. That’s when I felt so alone, in a world full of people, I felt alone.

I look back out to sea as I wipe the tears away; the memories of that time always gave me the heavy feeling within my chest, just as I am feeling now as the small waves break on the shore. But if the time that we lost our son was painful then it was nothing in comparison to the next time that I sat at this rock.

Two  years ago today, the day he was due to be born, that was the loneliest time in my life, that day I came to this beach, just like we did the day after we found out he had died, we just sat, looking out to sea , with Tina in my arms, cradled in my lap. But that day, the day I came here alone, I was alone and the most desolate I have ever felt in my life, only one other occasion compared, when my mother left me, I had lost my soul mate, I had lost my son and I had seemingly lost my friends too. The one person who stuck by me was my sister.

On the day our son was due to be born,  I sat here and remembered him, and I remembered him alone due to the fact that the bottom had fallen out of my world, and it was my own fault, I had looked to another and Tina had found out, I think deep down I wanted her to find out, I couldn't keep it together anymore, I couldn't be the strong, reliable, dependable person that I was expected to be and I fell apart.  I fell apart and Tina left me,  I felt at the time I deserved the behaviour that those around me were demonstrating, I'd done wrong, the platform I had put myself on, the high morals I lived by, well, they came back to bit me in the ass big time, and I deserved it, I preached to others about the values of fidelity and monogamy and I couldn't live by the rules that I had lived my life by since meeting my soul mate, and now Tina and I were apart .

I had just found out she was carrying our daughter, 5 months pregnant and I had only just found out, I was convinced she hated me, she hated me so much that she didn’t feel able to tell me we were having a child, a child conceived while we were still together, a child that everyone knew about, except me, and it broken my already broken heart that she thought so little of me to leave me out of what should have another happiest moment in our life. But it wasn't, it was news that was screwed up and thrown in my face and I was left to deal with it.

And that is what I was trying to deal with as I sat on the beach alone on that day, the fact that my estranged partner was expecting another baby, our second baby, but despite our difficult estrangement  and the difficult time we were going through, I didn’t forget the day our son was due to be born.  I hoped that the card and flowers that I had sent to Tina on that day were received in the manner that they were sent, with a gracious compassion to remember the day, that despite the pain we were jointly suffering, it was a day of remembrance for our son.  Maybe Tina was remembering the day with her new companion that she seemed so enraptured in, the woman who had begun to make my desolate life almost an unbearable one, Helena had watched with enamour as she flaunted Tina in my face, made the only bearable thing in my life, my work, as difficult as she possibly could.  There were times, when I wondered whether it was worth going on, but I guess I did, from some deep part of my consciousness I felt that it would be been the easy way out, I deserved to live the life of desolation and pain because of the pain I had inflicted on the woman I loved. I cried that day more than I have ever cried in my life, I had looks from passers-by, but I didn't care, I had lost everything I ever cared about, my wife and my son, and I was alone.

Last year when I sat here, I had company, I had my life back and it was, despite some difficulties, more than I could of ever hoped to have, I had the woman I had never stopped loving, beside me and we had our beautiful 5 month old daughter, we came to this very rock and sat on the blanket, just to remember him, those adoring eyes that I had missed so much looked at me silently and we remembered him, Tina had laid Angelica on the blanket beside her as she lent over to me, she placed her gentle arms around me and told me she loved me, that she remembered too, that she missed him too, we kissed tenderly as our daughter gurgled on the blanket beside us.

What had usually been a day of mourning had turned into a happy day, a family remembering the one who never was, but was never forgotten, we became close that day, the silent understanding between us, the looks, the touches, and we shared the memory with our daughter. When we arrived home that night, we bathed Angelica together, washing the sand from her body, we laid her in her crib and watched her drift off to sleep together, my arm around my partner as we continued to remember, she looked at me then, with those adoring eyes, and she led me to our bedroom, we made love that night, full of tenderness, full of delicate touches and full of love, it was the most intimate night I remembered since our daughter was born.

Sadly it was also the last time that I remembered us having that depth of intimacy, something happened after that, I still don't fully understand the complexities of it, but I had a house full of love and laughter, a beautiful child who filled our home with love, a partner who I thought loved me, but… I wasn’t enough. And now the place where I used to call home, now… now it was a place that I shared with my memories, and the part time love and laughter that Angelica brought with her. My sixteen month old daughter who was the only one who could make me smile. 

Today, I wanted and needed to be alone, alone with the thoughts of what may have been, a two year old son is what would have been, but if that had happened, then I wouldn’t have a beautiful daughter, a daughter who I get to see for two evenings a week and alternate weekends, with curt behaviour from the woman I tried not to love, yet despite the rollercoaster of emotions that we have been through in the last three years, she still owns the one thing in my life that no one else ever has, she has my heart, and try as I might, I have no inclination to seek another, I am satisfied with being alone, with being a part time mother to the most beautiful daughter anyone could wish for, the only other thing I would ever hope to have in my life would be to have my family back, but that is a distant hope, a wish that I feel will never be fulfilled. 

So, I guess, that  as I sit here today, alone again,  the one thing I pride myself on is that, as a symbol of the faith in who I believe myself to be, I vow to remember him, to…, despite whatever life is throwing at me at the time, to keep a memory inside, just for him. I will endeavour to come here each year to remember, to sit against this rock, looking out to sea with the thoughts of what may have been running through my mind.  If I am alone, then I will remember alone, like today, if I ever have company, we will remember together. Someday, I'd like to bring Angelica here and tell her about him, the 4 months that his presence within his mothers womb graced our lives.

My eyes are focused on the patterns the waves are creating, my thoughts having covered the previous painful and happy times that I have experienced while my back was lent against this rock, the tears of emptiness gently fall down my cheeks, I don't have the will or inclination to wipe them away, they are tears for our son, the son I mourn and remember alone, they are tears for the lonely life that I lead, a selfish thought, but sometimes I need to feel sorry for myself, I tell myself I'm allowed, just occasionally to ponder, never making it to the wallowing in self pity mode, not allowing myself to fall that far, I shed a few tears and then stop, knowing that I need to refocus, I absent mindedly wipe at my cheek and lean my head back, looking to the midday sky, the blue sky with the intermittent and occasional white wisps.

“Mama…”

I look around, my mind far away, so very far away, and I look to find my daughter standing barefoot in the sand, in front of me. She just looks at me, with that toothy smile and those adoring eyes, my heart leaps as our eyes meet, mine and my daughters, the one person who can make me smile again, and as I look into those adoring eyes, I suddenly wonder… would our son have looked similar to Angelica, would he have pulled at my heart strings as she does.

 My mind suddenly flashed that life has a way of throwing things at you, one is that I miss the son we never got to meet, and the other, if we had got to meet him, I wouldn’t have this angel standing in front of me now with her hands full of sand and the innocent smile of the sixteen month old child that she is.  Life also making decisions for you, and sometimes I am suddenly so very thankful that some decisions are not mine to make. 

My eyes never left Angelica's, she was taking a step toward me, her tiny feet unstable on the soft sand, she held her arms out to me and my eyes welled, my loneliness suddenly forgotten as the two sandy hands cupped my cheeks, her face moving closer to mine as her actions tugged at my heart strings, I smiled through my tears, the innocent act of this little girl cupping my face, looking deep into my eyes, she made the emptiness suddenly fill with love, she moved forward resting her nose against mine, her new favourite action, I kissed her and brought her into my arms, the slow tears now falling faster than they had all day, but they were happy tears, my arms were full of love once again.

She wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me tight, I needed this today, I suddenly realised that I needed to be holding her as I remembered our son, my eyes were shut tight as I held her against me, my heart was pounding and it was full, I suddenly felt alive again.

My eyes opened as I felt the shade descend over us, I looked up to see Tina standing beside the blanket, her face unreadable.

“Hi…” I quietly said to the woman who I tried hard not to love.

“Hi, is it okay if I sit down?”

“Of course.”

I looked back at Angelica, now sitting on my lap as her sandy hands played with my hair; I wasn’t sure what to say to Tina, lots of questions passing through my mind.

“What brings you here today?”

Tina looked at me, her questioning eyes giving me the answer, but I needed to know, “the same reason you are here,” she quietly replied.

“Oh…”

“Do you mind if we sit with you for a while?”

I shook my head, suddenly glad to have the company, but the intrusion on my planned day of solitude had taken me by surprise.

I saw Tina place the bag beside her, taking out a box with sandwiches in, she held out a sandwich for Angelica who immediately took it, beginning to devour it with a vengeance.

“Would you like some lunch?”

“Its okay, I’m fine… but thanks.”

“I packed enough for three of us…”

I looked to her, those adoring eyes I continued to love, there was something there, something I couldn’t read.

“How did you know I’d be here?”

Tina looked to me again, did I really have to be asking questions that I already knew the answers to, for me I needed to hear her, she had moved on, she was with another, I didn’t expect her to have any thoughts of me.

“Because of what day it is…”

“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know why I was apologising, but she was the last person I expected to see today, I had anticipated spending the day alone.