Chapter 2

“I just don’t know why you picked that camp.  That’s all.” Tina says to Bette while they were being led to their table by the hostess.  The two had been discussing Angelica’s acceptance to Art Camp.

Bette and Tina in an effort to move their relationship forward had agreed to start exclusively dating.  For Tina this was a huge commitment.  She was hoping this time together would provide the bonding to slowly help them on the road to once again become a committed couple.  It was Tina’s prayer that by going slow it would allow Tina to put all the ghosts to rest, the ghosts which seemed to paralyze her whenever she thought of getting close to Bette again. 

Bette already has emerged once again as Tina’s best friend and confident.  By working out visit rotations and other issues concerning Angelica it helped Tina bridge the gap in her mind.  Over the years she found herself leaning on Bette more and more which in turned allowed Tina to keep the lines of communication open.  Having Bette be there for her time and time again in matters concerning Angelica allowed more and more trust to build in Tina for Bette.  Soon she was trusting Bette for a whole array of issues. 

It was only the luxury of time that afforded Tina the perspective to view her actions in a context that allowed her to put a logical spin on them.  She could never quite come to grips with her own actions.  How had she gone so far astray?  For the longest time the string that tied all her actions together eluded her.  Tina needed time to grapple with an explanation that would offer a plausible reason that she could live with.  It took close examination of those first few years after the revelations of Bette’s initial betrayal at Provocation for Tina to make any sense of her actions. 

The best clarification she could piece together is that she was trying to get as far away from Bette as she could.  How else could she explain a good natured, happy go lucky man with a son who she could order around?  Totally the polar opposite of any description used for Bette.  All of the important elements contained were as diametrically opposite to Bette as Tina could get.  That was the string, the tie that bound this all together.  He simply wasn’t Bette.

What drove Tina to these actions isn’t something she could easily put her hands around.  Seeing the actions and labeling them was one thing but understanding the motivation behind them still to some degree eludes Tina to this day.  She had reacted to him, had feelings.  No not the intensely satisfying emotions Bette had evoked but still feelings.  It was only the hindsight realization that she couldn’t let Bette hold her.  Tina couldn’t surrender myself to Bette and feel safe.  She held something back and by holding back made it more appealing to go elsewhere than fight Bette.  Whether it was because she hadn’t forgiven her yet or something else Tina couldn’t say. 

Wrestling with this Tina couldn’t really wrap her arms around it right now but needed to try.  She needed to work through this because at the end of the day no one on this planet has the chance to give her the joy to live that Bette Porter can.  Tina knows this truth.  But what she doesn’t know is how to make it happen. 

It wasn’t as simple as opening up enough to let it happen.  If it had been that easy then the whole Henry mess would never have occurred.  Tina had tried that approach coming back to Bette after Angelica’s birth.  She had thought she had forgiven Bette.  She had repeatedly told Bette just that very thing. 

“I forgive you.”

Tina even believed she felt it in her heart but after the first adrenaline rush of their re-uniting she fell into an emotional vacuum.  A void which robbed her of any security.  She no longer wanted to feel exposed to Bette instead she retreated into this vacuum.  What started off as little urges grew into something more.  Instead of cozying up with a sense of peace and security Tina found herself hugging the other side of the bed.  Whenever Bette would make simple overtures Tina started seeing them as unwanted nuisance.  She couldn’t seem to break the growing cushion of indifference that began to surround her that prevented her from falling back into the security blanket that Bette had once surrounded her with.  This cushion became a moat of protection around Tina’s heart.  This is what she needed to break through and the only way she knew how was to consciously take steps towards trusting Bette.  That’s what she’s hoping to do during these dates. Work on getting back the trust that went into the security.  So she could feel safe in Bette’s arms once again.  That’s what she wants.

Looking at Bette across the dinner table she realizes she needs to make compromises in ordered to get there.  ‘I need to express these thoughts to Bette.  She needs to understand my misgivings.’  Without further thought Tina begins.  “Bette I know you sent me everything and I did look it all over.  I guess I didn’t realize that this camp was in North Carolina.  I’m just thrown for a loop about that.”

“Tina I gave you all the information for that very reason.  Did you even read that stuff on the camp?” Bette says getting defensive at Tina’s lack of understanding.

Nodding her head to answer, “I understand that you wouldn’t have suggested this camp if you haven’t first check it out to know all about it.  If I know you at all I know that you sorted through all the available camps perform some sort of analysis and arrived at the conclusion that this was the best one for Angelica.” Tina says trying to pacify Bette.  “Right?”  She asks looking Bette straight in the eye.

Bette could see something in Tina’s eyes.  There was something in that look that Bette hadn’t seen in along time.  They had just recently started seriously dating.  Things were going well but Bette could feel Tina holding back.  This look right now gave Bette hope.

“Yes Tina” Bette responded holding her breath.

“Well … this is just an example of what I need to quit doing.” Tina explains.

Bette crinkles her brow while she tries to understand the point Tina is making. 

Tina reaches across the table and places her hand in Bette’s.  “I need to trust in you.  Trust that you have both Angelica’s and my best interests at heart.  I know you.  You wouldn’t have stirred Angelica in that direction if it wasn’t probably the best camp for her age in the field of art.  So … I am saying yes to her going because I trust in you.”  Tina finishes with a warm smile that reaches her eyes.

A smile slowly makes its way across Bette’s face.  She just squeezes Tina’s hand that is all the acknowledgement that was needed.

“But you still need to understand Angelica is my little girl.  You will just have to be patient with me over the next two months while I cope with the idea until she goes.”

Bette nods her head in acceptance understanding this is Tina’s acceptance mechanism kicking in.  “Well hopefully over the next two months until Angelica leaves I can provide you with all the shoulders you need to help you cope.”

Tina states quickly adds not ready to give in on the thought that her baby will be leaving her for the first time.  “That camp is real far away … and four weeks!!!” Tina says a little exasperated.