“It’s so good to hear you say that.”

“You’ve waited too long.”

Ally started to reply to this, then the impact of what Tina has just said hits her. Tina is finally saying goodbye to Bette, she has to look away from her. She bites her bottom lip to stop herself from crying myself, having waited months to hear those words but they’re not having the affect of unadulterated happiness on her that she thought they would. There’s traces of sadness, knowing that Tina’s just given up on something that she used to believe in so much, and the turmoil that she must have gone through to get there.

“Are you OK?” Tina asks gently as she watched the multitude of emotions cross Ally’s face.

“I thought that I would be so much happier.” She whispers back.

“I’m sorry I made you wait all this time.”

“No, that’s not what I meant. I thought that if you came back here and told me that you talked to Bette and you put everything with her to rest. I thought that it would all be OK, that you would make me the happiest woman alive, and yet I don’t feel like that.” She says, confused and frowning at the mixture of emotions she was feeling.

“So how do you feel?” asks Tina, trying to coax feelings out of Ally’s confused demeanour.

“That this isn’t the end, it’s only the beginning of what you and I have to go through. That for you to give up on something that gave you such hope for so many years. That’s a hard thing to come to terms with.”

“Ally, no one knows more than me how much I ask of you everyday, and one day I hope to repay that debt, but we’re going to be together while I’m doing that. Tell me that’s what you want.”

“I do want that, more than anything.” 

Ally looked into Tina’s eyes as she heard the words, she sounded convincing, she looked convincing, but deep down, was she totally satisfied that this blonde woman in front of her wants it ‘more than anything’, maybe its easier for her to go forward with me, than to go back to what she had with Bette, she thought, regardless of the fact that it was the best thing she ever had in her life, it scares her, to go back, because she is scared of how much it hurt last time, Alice’s words plagued Ally’s mind, a quick thought process recalling what she had said, ‘Bette was her first love and Tina hers, and that’s what you’re up against’, and maybe she would always be up against that first love, but she was here…, with her, not Bette, her.  But what did that mean, maybe she was taken aback that she was here, but she was thankful and she knew she should put her doubts aside, because she felt she knew Tina well enough to know she had finally made her decision, and that’s why they were sat there, looking at one another.

“I love you, so much.” Ally said, pulling Tina into a kiss.

“I love you too; I don’t think that you have any idea how much.”

“No, but you could always tell me, or even better show me.” Ally said, pulling Tina by the hand so that they could go back to the hotel, so that she can prove just how much she really does love me, but there is something in her eyes that is telling me something different, only Tina is completely oblivious to the fact that I can see it…, she doesn’t want to hurt me, but she has let Bette go, she’s already hurt Bette by moving to New York, and that deep hurt and started to heal, our relationship is newer, not as deep as her previous, but real all the same, I have a nagging feeling that she is taking the easy route, one that will cause her the least pain, and I know that this isn’t a selfish decision Tina is making, it is purely an unconscious move following the 5 years she has gone through getting over Bette, how often she has told me to never look back, I smile to myself now realizing that all the while she was actually telling me when in actual fact she was trying to convince herself of this, not me.

Regardless of the nagging doubts in her mind Ally needed Tina, and she needed her now, those doubts are something she would have to deal with in her own way, Tina had made her decision and she should be happy that she had done so, the doubts would ease as they began their life together without the millstone of Bette Porter around their necks, she had nothing against Bette, quite the contrary, having met her at the wake, she had surprisingly liked her, more than she cared to admit.

Tina led Ally back to their hotel room, both knowing that as soon as the door closed the slow process of undressing would be forgotten, they needed to be together, desperately and urgently and the finesse of a slow strip would be forgotten in the tearing of clothes from one another’s body.

They didn’t make love, they had intense sex, raw animal sex, the need overtaking both beings as they laid claim to the other, there was no gentleness or tenderness, this was purely the physical need over taking each human being as they sealed their union of Tina’s ultimate decision.

Bette woke from the a fitful and erratic sleep, the words seeming to haunt her, Tina’s words and Tina’s face all she could see and hear during the moonlit hours, the hours spent walking around her dark empty home, beside the calm moonlit pool and finally in the empty, soulless room she tried to call her bedroom, but the thoughts wouldn’t dissipate, they kept hammering through her mind, ‘you just had to ask me to stay, to come back, you just had to ask…, to ask…, to ask…, ask me to come back…, ask me to come back…’ her head thrashed from side to side on her pillow as the words continued, ‘but you never called Bette. You never asked me not to go, and when I got there you never asked me to come back. That’s all you would have had to have done and I would have been there… I would have been there… I would have been there…’

As Tina and Ally woke from their deep contented sleep, both quiet and both thoughtful, they rose knowing that the task of packing needed to be done, their 6 o’clock flight being perfect timing for Tina to be at the scattering of Shane’s ashes and to get back in time to check out of the hotel and make their way to the airport.

“Are you sure you don’t mind me going?” Tina asked, needing to make sure that it was the right thing for them both.

“Tina, this is something you need to do, and even if I said no, you would go anyway because it’s what you have promised to your friends and I think you should do it for you too, and maybe for us…”

The words hung in the air, Tina knew Ally was right, she would go regardless of what Ally’s answer would have been, but she didn’t want to make assumptions and if Ally really didn’t want her to go, then she would of fought her consciousness to make the decision, and hoped she would have made the right one.  She noticed the distance that Ally seemed to be putting between them this morning, but she had done the same yesterday before the meeting with Bette, so she believed that Ally was taking a small step back emotionally in order to deal with letting Tina go to the scattering of Shane’s ashes.

“Are you okay Al?” Tina asked in concern.

“I’m fine, just want to get the packing sorted out, that’s all.”

“What will you do when I go?”

“Just relax before the flight, I have some calls to make before I go back to work in the morning…”  Ally moved around the room, trying not to make too much eye contact with Tina, she had noticed how sad Tina looked when they woke, the realisation of how big this day was, not just for Tina, but for her too.

“I can’t wait to get back to New York, just to put all this behind us…”

Ally looked at Tina as she said the words, there should have been joy in the words she had just uttered, but all she heard was defeat, she should be happy to be going home, but Tina’s words were ‘get back to New York’, not ‘go back home’, and then it hit her, she was saying goodbye to her first love, but a first love that cut so very deep that it would never heal, she would always have that love for Bette and also that she was walking away from her home, and she knew that deep down this really would always be home for Tina.

As the time approached for Tina to leave, Ally became quiet, she glanced out of the hotel window as Tina stood behind her wrapping her arms around her waist, a deep sigh coming from Tina’s mouth as she gathered strength for what she was about to do.

Ally knew she should be saying more, being verbally and emotionally supportive, but she also knew she had to step back, if Tina’s emotions overflowed then she wouldn’t cope, instead she allowed Tina the space of dealing with the day as she seemed able to do, in relative thoughtful silence.

“I have to go now…” Tina sadly said.

Ally swallowed the lump in her throat, knowing this was it. “Okay…” she turned in Tina’s arms and held her, tighter than she had ever held her before, hiding her face for fear that Tina would see the tears running down her cheeks, “I love you Tina…”

“I know babe, I love you too… I’ll see you later okay…”

“Sure…” came the quiet reply as Ally disentangled herself from Tina and went to the bathroom.

Tina watched the retreating figure of Ally quickly walking to the bathroom, finding her behaviour a little strange, but as she glanced at her watched she knew she needed to go, the others would probably be waiting for her already, she would talk to Ally on their flight back to New York.

As Tina arrives she finds Alice, Bette and Carmen standing at the beginning of the pier. Carmen still looks as defeated as ever but, and my eyes may be deceiving me, but Bette looks a little stronger. There seems to be a steely sense of purpose about her today, like she’s determined not to break down, our eyes meet and for the first time in five years we smile at one another, remembering the good and not the bad, it felt good to see her eyes smiling at me, regardless of what we were here for today, I knew that the smile was just for me.

Tina looked at Bette’s hands noticing how carefully she is carrying the urn. There is something about this that is too difficult to comprehend. I’m looking at this urn, thinking that our friend is in there, and right to the last minute Bette is taking care of her, in a moment of thought I hear the ‘ashes to ashes, and all of that’ scenario. Then I think in a moment of dark humour that Shane would be enjoying all of this, seeing us and making us all go through this together.

“Hey guys.” Tina says to everyone, but her eyes remained on Bette.

“Hi…” Bette quietly replied, ignoring the fact they weren’t alone, but feeling the freedom of being in Tina’s company with out the usual associated heartache, the talk they had yesterday had impacted on her more than she realised.

Tina stepped closer to Bette, her concern evident as she noticed that regardless of how much stronger Bette seemed, she still looked drawn, “are you okay?”

Bette nodded her reply; “just tired I guess…” she pushed the thoughts of her dream of the morning aside, clearing her mind to concentrate on the reasons of them being here, to honour their memory of Shane.

 “Shall we do this thing then?” asks Carmen, brightly, belying the dullness in her eyes, as she starts to walk towards the end of the pier.

“Did she say why this should be the place that the ashes should be scattered?” Alice asks Bette, as the three of them follow Carmen.

“I’m reading between the lines but I think this must be a place where they spent some time together. Who would have thought that Shane would be one for romantic walks on the pier?”

“It does seem a bit unlikely.”

“But not as unlikely as Shane falling in love in the first place.”

“No, that did come as one of life’s great surprises.”

“If only she could have given herself over to that kind of love.”

“You only ever find that one special love once Alice, and sometimes it hard to get it back when you’ve lost it, but it doesn’t mean that you won’t treasure it in your heart forever…”

Bette’s words hung in the air between the three of them, all knowing that the statement Bette made was profound; there were no words any of them could have replied to it, they all knew the significance.

When we arrive at the end of the pier Carmen looks at us impatiently. She really does want to get this over with. There’s an awkward pause where none of us really know what to do.

“Do you want to say anything, before…?” Bette asks Carmen before trailing off.

“Do you think that I should?”

“I think it might help.”

“I haven’t really thought of anything. I just thought that maybe we could…you know.” says Carmen, making a throwing gesture with her hands.

“I’ve never done this before. I don’t really know what we’re supposed to do.” admits Bette.

“Would you like me to say something?” Alice offers, not being able to stand this hesitation.

“No, I’ll do it.” replies Carmen quickly.

They all stand and watch her, side by side, with Bette in the middle and Alice and Tina on either side, they watched with heavy hearts as they were about to say goodbye to their friend.

Carmen takes a deep breath in, collecting her thoughts so that she can put them all into words. She turns and takes the urn from Bette, cradling it in her arms as she turns towards the sea, we all move a little closer so that we can hear what she is about to say.