A Life I Never Meant – Alternate Chapter 32

“Bette, I don’t know how to say this but I was so in love with you and yet we still couldn’t make it work. It would be the dictionary definition of insanity for me to think that I could make it last with someone who was the same as you.”

“I’ll never stop loving you.”

“I know, and I’ll never stop loving you, and I’m thinking that now Alice is moving back to LA and I’ve broken the hold that LA has had over me we might be seeing some more of each other. If that’s what you want?”

“I would. I think that I would like that a lot.”

“It’ll take some getting used to.” I warn.

“Tina, I’ve lost two of my closest friends, who I’ll never see again. My oldest friend is moving back here, and if I see you once of twice a year, it just means that what’s left of the gang will be together, at least once in a while.”

 “You’ve changed.” I say, smiling warmly at her.

“You changed me, then I had to do some changing of my own. I only wish someone would have told me how hard you have to work to get to a place of acceptance.”

“If someone had said you would have given up before you even started.”

“Maybe, we should start to walk back, it’s getting late and I don’t like to leave Alice alone for too long.”

As we walk back to our cars we talk about how I’m going back to New York tomorrow and what my plans are for the next project that I’m working on. Bette talks a little about the next exhibit that she’s planning, her eyes light up when she speaks about the artists and I remember why I fell in love with this passionate woman all those years ago. We hug briefly before parting, knowing that it won’t be five years until we see each other again.

Bette stops suddenly and her face becomes thoughtful, not sure whether she should, or even could ask this one thing of Tina.

“What is it?” Tina asked, still knowing the woman in front of her, knowing what each expression said, knowing what each look meant, “what do you want to ask me?”

Bette smiled as she looked at Tina, a real smile, the first real smile in days, and it felt kind of good, “how do you still know how to do that?”

Tina instinctively knew what Bette referred to, her ability to read her after all this time, she returned the smile, “just because we’ve both changed doesn’t mean I don’t still know you…” the words hung in the air, the familiarity between them creating a comfortableness that sparked something different in them, final acceptance and a relaxed demeanour that meant that they could still share things without causing each other hurt and pain, they could share and enjoy one another again.

“I don’t know if I can ask you this or not?” Bette said quietly, averting her eyes from Tina’s, in order that she not see how important this one thing would mean to her.

Tina noticed the sudden sadness in Bette’s eyes before she looked away, and she instinctively knew what Bette was about to ask, and in her heart, she knew she wanted to do this one last thing for her, and for Shane, but she knew that Shane would understand that Tina’s allegiance was to be there to support Bette, to show her that she would never stop loving her, “what time shall I be there…?” Tina quietly replied.

Bette suddenly looked up, her eyes alight as she heard the words, “you’ll come?”

“Of course…”

“Thank you, you have absolutely no idea how much…”

Tina stepped forward, directly in front of Bette, interrupting her words, she smiled as she saw the sudden weight lifted from Bette’s shoulders at knowing she would have Tina by her side when they scattered Shane’s ashes, “I think I have a pretty good idea of how much it would mean to you… and I also think I owe it to Alice and Shane, and even Carmen, to be there too…”

Bette’s shoulders suddenly dropped again as she heard the words of her friends included, she scolded herself at the childlike feeling she felt at having to share Tina, but she knew that Tina should be there for them all, not just her, she was being selfish and it was not a trait she liked in herself, the time apart from Tina had taught her to let that part of herself go, and she had, but when she was with Tina, she still just wanted her to herself, she didn’t want to share the woman she was still in love with, and the woman she would always be in love with. 

“Thank you, I… uh… know… we… would all appreciate it, if you could be there.” Bette’s eyes began to well, she needed to get out of there, being so close to this woman still did unmentionable things to her and she couldn’t allow that to happen, they had said there silent goodbyes to the past, they both had a future to move into. “So… we’ve arranged to meet at the beach… at midday, is that okay… I understand if it doesn’t work with your flight… and Ally would prefer you not to… um… be there… and I…”

“Bette, I’ll be there…?” Tina could see Bette’s mind working furiously as her words became staggered as she spoke, she was getting uncomfortable.

“Okay, thank you…” Bette quietly said as they looked at one another, the tears Bette had been holding onto all morning began there slow escape, but she couldn’t bring herself to wipe them away, she suddenly didn’t have the energy, it was getting to be a long day and she need solace, to be on her own with her thoughts, “see you tomorrow…”

Bette turned and walked to her car as Tina watched on, her heart beating faster than it had all day, the one thing she still hated to see or hear, Bette crying.  She gave a big sigh as she swallowed the ever increasing lump in her own throat, thinking that if she found today hard, tomorrow was going to be even harder.

Tina returned to the hotel, the drive back filled with thoughts and tears, more tears than she cared to admit to, but she felt better for having the hour it took to get back here, where her future lay.

Ally sat, tapping her fingers aimlessly on the table, waiting for Tina, it seemed an eternity ago that Alice left her, but in actual fact it was mere minutes, but that’s when she sees her. She watched her walk slowly in through the door, already noticing how drained Tina is by the way that she is walking. She noticed how her shoulders were slumped and she was looking around, almost desperately trying to find the person she wanted, who I can only hope would be me. I get up out of my chair and walk towards her, as quickly as I can. I pull her into my arms, holding her tight for a few seconds before I realise that we’re still standing in the doorway, and attracting a few curious looks. I take her hand and lead her back towards the table that Alice and I were sitting at. Fortunately the table is towards the back and we are now out of most peoples view. She sits down besides me, refusing to let go of my hand, and if anything, squeezing it harder.

“You’ve been crying.” Ally says, gently.

“I know, and I almost crashed the car. I couldn’t see where I was going. I had to pull over and…” replies Tina, getting upset again.

“It’s Okay.” Came the quiet response, as Ally tried to soothe her by rubbing her back.

“I wanted to get here as soon as I could. To see you, to tell you what happened. It was hard to think of you sitting here, waiting. Especially when you waited long enough already. I was going to call you, but then I decided that it would be better to say I wanted to say in person.”

“I didn’t mind waiting, and Alice has been here to keep me company.” Ally said, trying to remain calm.

“How is she?”

“She’s fine, well, as fine as she can be. She seems fairly together today, not so up and down, and a lot less angry. She worries too much about what’s going on around her when she should be concentrating on getting better herself.”

“That’s good.”

“Tina, we could talk about Alice all day but…”

“Yeah, I know, that’s not what you want to talk about.”

Ally watched for a few minutes as Tina composes herself. There have been so many tears shed over the last few days and to see Tina crying again is almost more than Ally can stand, not wanting to push Tina on what she said to Bette, but at the same time needing to know. There had been so much uncertainty around their relationship but now she felt it was time for her to know what decision Tina had come to. As Tina looks up at her, she sees her smiling, and it was a sight that she had been waiting for, regardless of the fact that her eyes looked sore from the tears.

“You must be tired of having to watch me cry.” Tina quietly sniffed.

“That’s only because I don’t want to see you in pain. It would be much better to see you laughing.” Ally replied with a soothing smile.

“There hasn’t been a lot to laugh about.”

“I know.”

“It’s hard to say goodbye.”

“Yeah, it is.” Ally said, watching closely, as she tried to figure out to who she was referring to.

“And I couldn’t even get the words out. We talked about everything, about the baby, about Provocations, about the damage that we did to each other. She asked me about what it was like when I first moved to New York, about how hard it was for both of us to be apart for the first time. She told me how Shane looked after her when she was falling apart, just like I couldn’t find it within myself to do. How hard it is to move on, and now we have how hard it’s going to be to come to terms with it all.

“Tina, you couldn’t say what words?” Ally asked, trying to keep up with what Tina was saying, the words having been applicable to whichever decision she could have come to.

“Goodbye, I couldn’t actually say goodbye to her with words, even though I knew that I was saying goodbye to her in my heart.”

“Did she say goodbye to you?”

“She talked about how her grieving for Shane has helped her with moving on from me, and I guess in a way that brought us together so that we could finally put an end to that process. It’s been a long time in coming and it’s happened in the worst kind of circumstances but its right that we’re at a point where we can finally let go.”

“Will you see her again?”

“Alice is moving back to LA and I want to see her, so if that means that when we come back here to visit Al then, yeah I guess we’ll see each other. And she did ask whether I could be there when they scatter Shane’s ashes tomorrow, is that OK?”

“I think so.” Ally reply, slightly unsure, but not wanting to stand in the way of what seemed a reasonable, but important request to make, it would be difficult for them all to carry out Shane’s wishes and it would be easier if they were all there together.

“You don’t have anything to worry about. You know that there’s always going to be some kind of love left between us and if she needs me I’m going to go to her. I have to do that, tomorrow is about saying goodbye to Shane, but it will also be saying goodbye to my past, it’s all about you in the future.”  Tina couldn’t really take in the magnitude of the emotional words she had just uttered, but after their talk today, she felt lighter, and tomorrow they could all say goodbye together.