Regrets Pt. 1

How has it come to this…..is this really my life?  I am sitting in my room, on my bed, staring at our daughter.  She is Bette’s daughter, too.  I need to keep reminding myself of that. Every instinct that I have had recently is to deny Bette this privilege.  The privilege to care for her, to spend time with her, to lull her to sleep at night.  To call Angelica her own. 

I remember back to the first meeting.  She was simply exquisite.  Her form was statuesque, her conversation engaging and presence commanding.  She possessed an “edge” that I could not immediately identify. I had never contemplated a relationship with another woman, but was finding myself drawn to her none the less.  She seemed interested, too and before long I was falling for her.  Her “edge”.  It was this quality that she had that would bring me the most exquisite sexual pleasure that I had ever known and the most devastating emotional loss that I had ever suffered.

I remember back to the first time that we made love.  The perfect room.  The light breeze blowing into the open French doors that was just strong enough to play with the flames of the candles that were lit throughout.  The perfect dinner earlier in the evening with the most refreshing bottle of wine.  The kind of imbibing that leaves you satisfied, but not too overcome.  I wanted her to fill me up. Physically and emotionally.

She could sense my nervousness and for this I felt guilty; afraid that she might take it as a sign of my reluctance or uncertainty.  “Is this ok?….please don’t be scared of this…. let me make love to you, Tina.  I am in love with you”, she whispered into my ear as she moved her body into mine.  Still clothed, she softly kissed my forehead and walked me backwards towards the bed.  I remember how her hands felt on my skin as she undressed me.  I remember how my entire body came alive at the sight of her naked body, her skin pressed against mine, my tongue entwined with hers.  I had never felt anything that strong, that erotic.  She softly kissed my lips, my neck and then trailed her tongue down to my breasts.  She took each one into her mouth and delivered just the perfect combination of pleasure and pain.  She lowered her hand so that her fingertips were dancing over my clit.  I was dripping and she emitted a soft moan when she found my desire.  My body and mind became disconnected at that moment.  The pleasure that she gave me completely obliterated anything that I had previously known.  She entered me and wrapped her free arm around my waist.  She used her arm to guide me onto her hand and to find a rhythm.  It was raw and uninhibited, yet tender and sensual.  I was no longer afraid and I came while looking into her eyes. 

It was then that I gave her my soul.  I trusted her with my heart, my life.  She wouldn’t let me fuck her that night.  She told me that she had already come from watching me ride her hand and from the feel of my breasts against hers.  We used to have that kind of heat; that intensity.  And now this.  My newly purchased, but empty condo.   My threats to Bette of keeping her from our daughter’s life.  My senseless journey back to men with the sole purpose of cleansing myself clean of her; retribution for the night that my world was shattered.  The night that I discovered that she no longer belonged to only me.