Later that evening, Tina and Henrys

He opens the door and steps in.  He doesnt smile as confidently as he did before.  He looks wary when he walks in, he has for weeks now.  As if he isnt sure whats waiting for him, as if somehow the place will look different each evening.  He leans in to kiss me.  I turn my head, he grazes my cheek.  He ruffles Angelicas hair. 

Hey there curly gir--  um. Angel, how is my girl?

I wince visibly. He sees it and he closes his eyes tightly, he re-opens them and starts to walk past me.

I saw Donnelly Lancaster today.

He stops.  He turns, a look of slight confusion on his face.

Who?

I curl my lip.  I hoist Angel onto my hip.

You remember.  That party down the block last month.

Oh.  Yeah.  Steve and Karens.  Whos Donnelly Lanford?

Lancaster.  You know her husband.

Tina, Im really tired.  Ive had a long day and Im wiped and I dont give a shit who Donnelly Lanwhatever-her-name-is is.  Did she hit your car or something?

He loosens his tie, he turns to walk away.  I follow him, I follow his back.

Donnelly Lancaster.  You remember.  That stupid tabouli chick.

I follow him into the bedroom.  When I met Donnelly Lancaster the first time, I was standing next to him on someones patio. She was chattering at me about her amazing recipe for gluten-free tabouli. 

Its awesome, Tina.  The kids love it.  I know Angelicas too young but when shes older, shell probably love it too.  Its so good for them and without the gluten, well, even if they dont have allergies - my Madison has terrible gluten allergies, shes had them since she was 9 months old - its less toxic.

I know I was staring at her.  I honestly couldnt help it.

Tabouli is toxic?

She frowned and then smiled.

Well, not toxic, but glutens are bad.  I mean, we can live without them.  I mean, theyre in everything but like so many other ingredients, if you strip out the bads and start adding in your own goods, -- healthier things - the kids are so much better off.  They never even notice, they dont want the bad things.  And once you get the hang of making it like that, its easy, it becomes second nature.

She was so animated, so excited, so sincere. 

In 10,000 years, when the anthropologists come and find the remnants of latter-day American society, I hope they appropriately mourn how, in our fruitless quest to live forever, we so earnestly took all the goddamn fun out of food.

I didnt say that to Donnelly Lancaster.  I remembered it while I stood there, smiling dumbly back at her.

She was holding a jar of fat-free mayonnaise, frowning at it, shaking her head.  It was one of the rare occasions she joined me at the grocery store, and while I did my share of pretending to be annoyed at her apparent befuddlement with the whole experience, on the whole she was adorable.

Tina, Im certainly not the culinary expert you are, but Im pretty sure mayonnaise is nothing more than eggs and oil, right?

Right, Bette.

And eggs and oil are just fat.  And cholesterol. 

And protein.

Ok, but not much.  Mostly theyre fat and more fat.

I chuckled, pushing the cart farther down the aisle.

So then what in the flying fuck is fat-free mayonnaise? 

I shushed her.

Bette, there are kids in here.

She lowered her voice, but held the jar up to me, indignant.

So what is this?  White-colored foam?  This is hardly a condiment.  This is -- what is its purpose?

She looked so serious, so genuinely puzzled, so gravely concerned, I couldnt resist walking back.  I took the jar and put it back on the shelf. I kissed her nose, I took her hand and pulled her gently alongside the cart.

We use regular mayonnaise baby, dont worry.

A few minutes later, in the snack aisle.  She stopped, she shook her head, she pointed sadly.

Promise me, Tina, that when we have kids, you wont ever ever make them eat low-fat Twinkies.

I wasnt going to make them eat any kind of Twinkies.  Those things are pretty bad, Bette.

Shaking her head solemnly.

Children should eat Twinkies, Tina.

Why? Theyre gross. 

Theyre a childhood imperative. 

She whispered as she shook her head in the direction of the boxes stacked neatly on the shelf.

But not these.  These are bad. 

What Bette said next is what I should have said to Donnelly Lancaster that day on someones patio, but I didnt.  I think I even took the recipe for the gluten-free non-toxic tabouli. 

The tabouli chick?  Tina, what is going on?

What is going on?  Ill tell you.  I was picking Angel up today and Donnelly was there, I guess her kid is in the same daycare.  Anyway, she mentioned that you and her husband were somewhere

Oh yeah, we played squash last week.  We both played in college and we met after -

I dont care what you did, Henry.  What I care about is that you told her husband --

Carl

Carl -- that youre having trouble adopting Angelica.

Thats not a lie, Tina.