“I brought you some clean clothes, your shampoo and conditioner.  It took me forever to find that Lancome moisturizer you wanted.  It was in Tina’s gym bag.”

“It’s hers.  I thought she’d like it.”

“Yeah, probably will.  I stopped at work and got you a nice lunch.  Bagel with chives and salmon, a mesclun salad with balsamic, some fresh strawberries, and I got that French lemonade you like.”

“That’s great.  Thanks.”  Bette sounded defeated.

“Girl, that voice does not help Tina at all.  Pull yourself together.”

“I’m just tired.”

“Go shower.  I’ll get your plate together.”  She handed her sister the shopping bag of clothes.”

In the bathroom, Bette looked at her bleary eyes and the heavy bags under them.  She knew she was running on empty, but she couldn’t bear to leave the two girls in her life—her wife and her baby.  She pulled her t-shirt off and sniffed her pit.  God, I need a shower.

She turned the water on in the shower and let it run while she laid out the clothes and toiletries Kit had swung by the house to pick up for her.  She swallowed hard, fighting back the bad feelings that kept creeping up in her mind.  Stepping out of her sandals and sliding off her yoga pants, she stood naked in the bathroom.  Naked to the world.  Naked.  Exposed.  Stripped of everything but Angelica.

Bette stepped into the shower and let the water glide down her body.  It was her fault.  She was to blame for everything.  Her karma was fucked up.  Her life was a mess.  Not three weeks ago, her father, as far as she knew was healthy, working and living in Philadelphia.  Then he had come to LA for a visit.  She realized now the purpose--to tell his daughters of his illness.  She had learned of his terminal prognosis; had spent night after night in the hospital with him, just as she was now doing with Tina, had arranged for his care at home, where he died in her living room.  She hadn’t even had time to grieve before she had been told her services and expertise were no longer needed at the CAC.  No father, no job, uncertainty about her life with Tina, everything that could go wrong had until Tina had said she was coming home to be a family again.  Still, she hadn’t grieved for her father--too busy planning his memorial, planning for the baby, making decisions, buying furniture, clothes, preparing finances, getting the adoption papers in order to file, so much.  And now, there was no room for grief.  Her heart didn’t have enough room to hold all the grief she felt along with all the love she had for Angelica.

Bette cried and cried and cried.  She was falling apart and there was no one or nothing to turn to.  She couldn’t get lost in her work as was her way.  She didn’t have the emotional wherewithal to confide in her friends.  Bette was the strong one, she wouldn’t be vulnerable.   Benjamin Bradshaw might have encouraged vulnerability, but it was the last thing that Tina needed right now and the one thing she wouldn’t afford herself.  She had to keep a stiff upper lip; suck up the pain; let nature take its course while she nurtured their daughter.