"I didn't deserve that " she says softly as a tear falls down her face.

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Bette's POV.

She just thrown the fucking miscarriage at me and I'm standing there and I'm telling her something as feeble as " I don't deserve this " -- what the hell is this therapist doing to you Bette ?

I know she has every right to hate me for bringing Candace into our lives but haven't I taken enough abuse from her ? How many times had I seen her with Helena ? And that makes you sound like a broken record as well Porter.

"I didn't deserve it because there's only one of us making any sacrifices for this relationship and it isn't you Tina "

"And I didn't deserve you fucking that cheap whore " Tina shouts and walks away from the scene. She picks her car keys up and storms to the door. She pauses and I wait for another of her never ending list of "things that Bette Porter has done wrong " . She looks at me and my heart just melts -- she's angry -- I can see that in her whole body but there's something else there -- Tina is scared that she's just said the one thing she cannot undo. She's so beautiful when she's angry . I love her more than there will ever be enough words for me to articulate. But right now I just don't like her .

The house shakes a little bit when she slams the door but in a few seconds everything is quiet again. I slowly go into the kitchen and throw the dinner away - no cosy meal tonight.

When she left me and moved in with Helena I would spend hours alone in the house just re-playing all the times that these four walls had been full of Tina's laughter and love. Even when I know she is coming home at the end of the day I try to fill my thoughts with the only woman I have ever truly loved. At the moment all I can remember are the nights when I couldn't even picture her smiling face without crying until there were no tears left.

I feel incredibly tired -- we had made love almost all night. That felt like a life time ago and we must have managed about three hours sleep. Tina was totally washed out , I knew her body and her moods better than she thought. She has to slow down but how the hell can I tell her that when a 14 hour day at CAC wasn't out of the norm. As I sit on the end of the bed I take a small black velvet bag from my bedside cabinet.

When Tina found out she was pregnant she was happier than I'd ever seen her - we both had been. But she was superstitious , she had put a ban on buying anything for the baby until she was six months pregnant. She had never reached that date which was why I had never given my son the silver St Christopher that I'd bought in the most exclusive LA jewellery store I could find. I had never told Tina I had done that and when she'd lost the baby I had spent days convinced that I had jinxed him and us by buying the wildly expensive token of how much I would always love him and his mother. When she left it was all I had of him - a reminder of how I'd failed both of them.

I slumped onto the bed holding the bag in my hand, I pulled Tina's pillow round and wrapped myself round it - I felt so tired.

"PLEASE COME HOME T -- STOP DOING THIS TO US "

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I wake up with a sudden realisation that she's not here - I jump up and am heading towards the door when I hear her voice.

"I'm here "

She's sitting on the floor with her back against a cupboard. She's been crying, her eyes are red from tears. Seeing her makes me realise that I'm still in her bad books and we haven't settled anything.

"You should go to bed - its been a long day. You need as much rest as you can get before you go to New York "

"I'm not going to New York "

She looks at me with those big scared hazel eyes that have melted me more times than I can count. If any of our kids have those eyes I am in so much trouble. I sit down on the floor facing her.

"Why ? "
"Because I said an unforgivable thing and I'm not doing enough for our relationship. You were right in everything you said about us - I've become a bitch lately Bette and you are so committed to keeping our relationship together that you haven't told me I'm acting like a silly cow . Work has been so tough lately - except none of the days I do match the days you did for months on end at CAC. I always said I could be the breadwinner -- well I am and I don't handle it as well as you did. I will prove to you one day that you haven't been wasting your time letting me move back in "

"What did the boss say ?"

"I told him that I was stressed - I didn't want to go to New York because I haven't had a day off in months and I needed some quality time with my partner "
"And that worked ?" I tried to imagine James trying that line on me - or me on Franklin.

"He's a sweetie actually and I'm his prize pupil and he doesn't want to lose me -- I'm going the week after and just Monday morning to Friday morning. I didn't tell him about the battle scars "

"I'm glad but all the same I shouldn't have said what I did - asking you to stay at home was emotional blackmail "

"And I've used enough of it with you . Right now Bette I hate myself for how I know I've been treating you "
Its nice that she's acknowledged it - I don't offer to let her off the hook. I need to stop letting her escape so easily when she's in the wrong. As I keep telling myself Tina's a stronger character than I am - she's a damn fine businesswoman and she's survived the worst of both Bette Porter and Helena Peabody. She may look like a soft Southern belle but Tina Kennard can be a rattlesnake.

"Today hasn't been easy -- I still think you need to be in bed "

She holds her hand out and I reach out to take it . The black velvet bag falls out.

"What's that ?"

"I bought it for HIM - I was just sitting and thinking about our son earlier "

She looks at me " Can I see it ?"
"If you want"

We both stand up and I take the bag and tip the tiny chain into her palm. She lets a couple of tears fall onto it .

"its beautiful "

"it belonged to our son. I'll treasure it like I'll treasure a lock of our future baby's hair "

Tina takes the chain and drops it back into the bag.

"You are going to be the most amazing parent one day. I hope its my child that calls you mum "

I tilt her head so we are looking into each others eyes - they are so full of love - but also tiredness. I take her hand and lead her to the bed. She leans against my shoulder as I undress her and slip her into bed. By the time I've checked the alarm and been to the toilet she's asleep.

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One moment that I will never tire of is the first one of the day when I look into Tina's perfect face and touch her soft skin.

So when I open my eyes on Sunday morning and I look into her face complete with slightly swollen nose and black eye it wakes me up with a jolt.

"It doesn't look good does it ? " she says grinning at me.

"Don't take it the wrong way Tina but I've seen you looking better "
She laughs "I got up to go to the bathroom at about half seven and I didn't recognise myself in my mirror -- do I look scary or what ? "

"Remind me never to cross you Tina --- are you feeling alright ? "

"I feel fine - tired but we've got all day to ourselves . A whole day to show you that I'm not a nasty bitch whose just out to hurt you but I really am just a misguided fool who loves you more than I know how to show you. I love you more now than I ever did when we were together before the split up " Tina softly touches my face .

"what I said last night was unforgivable . You are putting more effort into our relationship and I'm not doing enough to help "

"You want this to work as much as I do T "

"When I was working 14 hours days at CAC there were nights when all I wanted to do was come home, eat junk food and fall into bed. They were always the nights that you would have come home via the market and cooked us a great dinner and wanted us to go out or stay in and talk. I know its hard for you Tina and I made it harder by wanting to teach. So sometimes as much as it hurts when you reject my efforts I know you aren't rejecting me because there wasn't a night when I didn't love you and need you Tina "

"I'm so lucky I found you - so lucky we've hung in when it would have been so easy to bail out "

"I will never let that happen T - we'll never find in other people what we've found in each other. Mind you -- it is a long time since you kissed me Tina "

I don't know if it's a natural skill she's got but no woman on this earth kisses like Tina Kennard. I kissed a lot of women before Tina and none tasted as magical and beautiful as her. The kisses when we weren't together were bitter and cold. Her lips now tasted as sweet as ever - she kisses me gently. We embrace and sink deeper into each others arms.

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