CONFRONTING THE PAST - Chapter Eight

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Soon we are lying in the bath together -- Bette has some cotton wool and is tenderly cleaning my face - we are sitting face to face -- she's at the sharp end but is close enough to me to have her legs wrapped around my waist.

"Why were the others here ? "

She takes another piece of cotton wool and starts softly dabbing below my eye.

" I saw her - I'd been working all day at the kitchen table -- marking essays and writing an article about the theft of the Rembrandt from the Tate -- great art thefts of our time. It was about half two so I decided to go for a run and when I got back I saw her -- she didn't see me. I panicked -- I just went cold. So I rang Kit and Alice who rounded up the gang and we were all here. I wanted them to help me draw up a schedule "

"What sort of schedule ?"

"So I wasn't in the house on my own -- so you would trust me that I wasn't seeing her when you were at work. I was working out how to tell you when Carmen said that she thought she'd heard your car --we were waiting for you to come in and when you didn't Shane went out side and saw her hitting you "

"What happened then ? "

"Shane shouted -- everyone rang out -- I just saw you fall into the flower bed and her looking at you . "

Bette slowly ran her fingers across where she'd been cleaning my face .

I touch her face

" Do you remember anything else ?"

"My first thought was you -- I took hold of you - I was so scared " tears started to run down her face " You whispered something -- it was so quiet that I have no idea what you said -- Kit and Lara were in Candace's face -- yelling at her . "

She looked at me intensely .

" Has anything ever happened to you in slow motion ? "

"I don't think so - is that what you felt ?"

"I was holding you and all I could hear was Alice going off "
"I heard that "

"Then I got up and started walking towards her -- Shane tried to grab me first and then Carmen. I was so close to her I could see where you'd hit her. I was going to kill her but I was perfectly in control "

"Did you hit her ?"

"No -- I couldn't --- damn Lara and Kit are strong ."

"So you didn't hit her "

I ask again - I cannot believe that Bette Porter has controlled her temper to THAT extent.

"You wish I had don't you ?" she accuses " You think I failed you "

"No -- of course not "

But Bette must suspect there is something else because she looks at me for a long few minutes.

"I failed you - I didn't kill her and I always said that anyone who harmed a hair on your head would have a very quick funeral "

"No - honey I'm glad you didn't "

"Kit and Lara got in front of me and they were pushing me back, Shane managed to get hold of my arm. If I'd been alone I would have systematically beaten the crap out of her. Tina -- I've never told you this but I get scared when you go to the dentist, when you broke you finger four years ago when we were building the rockery I sat in the toilet at the hospital and I cried "

"I know babe -- its one of the most loving and sweet things about you"

Bette started to cry again -- I pulled her close trying to soothe her but we are both very shaken up by what has happened.

"I'm alright babe - I promise you its alright. I know hitting her made me feel better but we both know that violence causes more violence. It doesn't solve anything. I want you here with me -- every night "

Except I'm going to New York tomorrow night -- shit I'd forgotten about that - I need to tell her this but I feel bad and I can see that she feels the same. Bette slowly moves back and touches my lips with her fingers .

"I've caused you so much pain Tina "

"No -- Bette -- this isn't helping us. We both screwed up. We hurt each other. I've never known emotional pain like I felt when we split up -- just like I've never known love like I have with you. We have to stop doing this - you and I have the most amazing love for one another"

We spend the next 20 minutes softly bathing each other - trying to reconnect and trying to find some calm. I still cannot find the words to tell her about NY. I don't know if there's anything to tell. Can I really go with Candace across the road from my home and my wife. ? Will my boss let me go when I look as bad as I do ?

We towel each other dry and we put on casual clothes. I leave her in the bedroom and go through to the kitchen to make a start on dinner. Bette's laptop and half a dozen art books are on the kitchen table. As I'm clearing them away I find a notebook open on top of a book - I read

"Monday 8am -- BP leaves house with TK. B/fast at Planet

9-10am -- help KP with paperwork.

10-12 -- teaching

12- 1 -- lunch with DF

1-3pm -- spend time with AP

3-5PM - college library

5-6 -- coffee with Smc until TK picks up BP "

Oh God -- they've sat and planned every hour of the day. She is so wonderful --- and so are our beautifully loyal friends. The flaw in the plan is that TK isn't in the equation.

When Bette comes out of the bedroom and she helps me start to prepare dinner. We don't speak much but the unspoken communication says so much -- she touches me frequently -- running her fingers through my damp hair, softly caressing my earlobe and gently massaging my neck muscles as I'm standing at the sink.

I am so confused - I want to stay here with her, I want to be here because Candace is going to be so near to our home - will she try and seduce Bette or try to exact some revenge?. I should be staying here because I'm going to look like a boxer tomorrow.

Eventually as the dinner cooks I take her hand and lead her to sofa - I sit facing her.

"I've got something to tell you "

"Okay "

There is really no way that I can beat about with this - I cannot sugar coat this in any way and it would be insulting if I even try.

"My boss wants me to go to New York " her face falls and my words hit home "God Bette -- I'm sorry to say this but I'm booked on the 5pm flight tomorrow "

"NO " she begins " no way can you go to New York "

"I have to "

"You don't HAVE to do anything - Tina you cannot go looking like that - what if you've got concussion -- what if you get ill when you are all alone ? She stands up " You're going to the other side of the country while Candace is at the other side of the street "

"You and the girls have got a plan worked out "

Even as I say it I know it sounds feeble.

"Not for the nights - Tina please think about it "

"Nothing will happen "

Have you ever said anything that you know sounds a total load of bull even as its coming out of your mouth ? You hope it sounds convincing but you hear the words and you know you are talking a total load of garbage.

"For God sake Tina -- you are really standing there telling me that you are cool about her knowing where we live - and she's going to figure out that you are away. How can you even think about going away with your eye swelling like that ? "

I'm starting to get really angry even though there's this tiny voice in my head telling me that she's being reasonable.

"I don't know - I'll have to ring him "

"And how are you going to tell him ? That his prize executive has be brawling in the street with her wife's ex lover ? I'm sure he's a reasonable bloke but that'll go down like a cup of cold puke . You have to ring him T and tell him that you cannot go this week "

"And what if he says I HAVE to go ? "

"Tell him you are sick -- tell him you've been to the hospital and they think you might have concussion "

I stand up -- I don't want to have this conversation anymore - its too much after the day I've had. I'm tired -- beyond tired, I'm sore and I need her to not question me but just to love me . I snap back at her

" Why can't I leave you ? What are you planning to do with her ? I can either trust you in which case we've got nothing to worry about or I can't trust you in which case there's nothing I can do to stop you "


Bette looks at me with the famous Porter fire and fury in her eyes. She mocks my accent.

"or I can't trust you in which case there's nothing I can do to stop you" she switches back to her own voice - its harsh.

" For fucks sake we are trying to rebuild our relationship and all that we've had to deal with in the last few weeks are those two freaking mad women trying to screw us over and you don't give a shit "

She's not the only one full of fury now .

"Don't you EVER say that I do not care about this relationship. I care more than I can describe.. Would you care to tell me what would be gained by staying ?"

"I want you to " Bette replies with dangerous calm.

"And all the times I wanted you to stay with me -- what about that last pointless tortured artist pursuit to San Diego . I had awful morning sickness and high blood pressure and I was having nightmares every night - that didn't bloody stop you. I cried myself to sleep for three nights "

"So this is revenge ? So I know how much you suffered ? "

"Of course not. I'm saying that if you wanted to cheat on me I cannot stop you - I'd just had a miscarriage and THAT didn't stop you "

She doesn't say anything -- I can see her trying to control her temper -- I can actually see her clutching her fist trying to " channel " her anger. I take several gulps of air . I have just hit a blow so below the belt that it was actually below the ankles . But I'm so angry that she cannot see my viewpoint.

I don't want to leave her - I want to fall asleep beside her every night. Does she think I want to go to New York and flatter the king size ego of some dickhead actor when the alternative is waking up to Bette's tongue drawing patterns on my skin ?

But I don't have an option - this is my career and I'm now supporting both of us and eventually our family.

"I didn't deserve that " she says softly as a tear falls down her face.