The day after the night at Milk
Bette slept very restlessly and got up tired. It was a Saturday morning, so she had an entire day yawning in front of her with nothing to do. And it was early. She took a shower. She always felt much better after a shower. But not this morning.
Last night had been a bitch. She had danced with Tina at Milk and the feelings she was trying to bury came roaring back to the surface. Bette thought that Tina was wonderful to hold. She was smart, funny, cute. So pretty. And she needed protection. Bette wanted to go over to Tina's table and slug the woman that was hitting on her. Fortunately, Shane stopped her.
Protect her. Bette also thought that Tina needed to be protected from her. Tina wanted so much more than Bette could give her. She was confident that she could bring Tina back to her house and get her into bed. But after a few weeks, Bette thought she would probably move on and she couldn't stand the thought of pain in those soft brown eyes.
She was Eric's girlfriend. She was straight. She waswell, she was old enough.
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Tina wasn't like Gillian, who had broken up with her last night. When they had arrived at Gillian's apartment house, she said, "Bette, I think it's over. I never minded that you didn't love me, but now you're not even that sexually interested."
Bette started to disagree, out of politeness, but then stopped and said simply, "I'm sorry; you deserve better."
"We both know that this is as far as our relationship will go. We've had a good time and now we need to move on," Gillian said, patting Bette on the leg.
Bette nodded as Gillian got out of the car. Before she closed the door, she bent down and looked back toward Bette. "Follow through on that little blond. I think you two care about each other." Her tone was kind.
Bette sat in surprise as Gillian closed the door and walked toward her apartment.
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Thinking back on Gillian's classy break up with her, she shook her head. Tina would not be like that. She would want to keep on with the relationship and she had a persistence that Bette admired. Tina was actually pursuing her and Bette was not used to being pursued. She was always the hunter. Maybe the actual pursuer was Cupid, she thought, smiling.
Bette thought about all the people who had weighed in with their opinions on her and Tina:
Alice thought Bette might love Tina, and Alice was cynical and perceptive.
Gillian who was cool and mature said Bette "cared" about Tina.
And Shane - Who was the hell was Shane? She was such a new friend and so young-- much younger than Tina. And Shane said with complete assurance that they belonged together. She seemed to see something, to know something, that Bette didn't.
Bette picked up the phone and dialed.
"Hello," said Alice sleepily.
"How do I know if I'm in love?"
"Do you know what time it is?" Alice muttered.
"No. How do I know if I'm in love?
"Think about what you feel and decide if it's love," counseled Alice. "Bette, I'm exhausted and I'm going back to sleep." Alice hung up.
Before Alice drifted off to sleep, she thought about Bette and this recent dilemma. Bette was so smart and so well-educated. Professionally she was very successful. But in personal relationships she was something of a lunkhead. Bette just really didn't see other people and maybe, more important, she really didn't see herself.
She was acting strangely now and in a way that Alice had never observed. If she was in love, and Alice thought that was a good possibility, Tina was going to take her on a merry journey. Alice went back to sleep with a smile.
Bette clicked off the phone and thought about what Alice had said. She decided to make a list of her feelings. After thirty minutes of struggle and many mark outs, she had her list.
****1. I want to sleep with her.
2. I don't want to hurt her.
3. I don't want anyone else to hurt her.
4. I'm jealous.
5. I like her.
It wasn't much of a list for thirty minutes of work, but it was the best she could do. Now she wondered how she would know if this was love or not. There was no check list that she knew of. She did think that being sexually attracted to Tina didn't necessarily mean love. Bette had been physically attracted to many women, but she knew she hadn't loved them. She certainly knew what love wasn't.
Then the answer hit her. The Dictionary! Of course! That's where you found out what words mean. She opened her dictionary and began to read the definition of love:
1. a deep tender, passionate affection for another person.
She knew the passion was there, but tenderness?
2. Sexual passion or desire.
That was certainly there. She had to shake her head to get rid
of images of Tina.
The rest of the definition, which was long, seemed to deal with love for parents, children, friends. Then there were examples like "I love movies" or "I love my work, or I love mankind." There was nothing particularly helpful for her, but she skimmed down the definition anyway. Tennis! She discovered the part of scoring for tennis was called love. Bette knew nothing about sports.
